Natosha's Evil Mind

Ideas from a supposed madwoman

2011-10-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

I feel the urge to plunge down a vast spiral and find the darkness within me. Oh wait I have done this over and over but now I'm doing it for others. I enjoy exploring the depths of my bdsm Family as they learn not only from me but from each other not just themselves.

In the past year it's been a long interesting journey that I hope will continue for a long time to come. This is what I craved, a strong family unit. A place of solace and not of heckling or judgement. Everyone gets to experience newfound things and feelings that they couldn't with their previous dominas, doms, or even girlfriends/boyfriends, even lovers who profess to know so much.

Yes, I am being vague for now but that's my perogative. If you wish to know more, do drop me a line. I hope everyone is having a desirable beginning of fall. Anubis, my mate's, birthday is coming up and I have to figure out something special for him. We've been together for 4 years now and it's time he gets something totally different. albeit, strange. hehehehehe

Cathartic Voices

2011-03-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

I sat on the old worn gray sofa looking out through the trailer window. A storm was brewing beyond the tree line late that night. I could smell the rain, feel how heavy those dark clouds were as they overtook moonlit sky.

I heard not one but four familiar voices, different tones filling the old worn down trailer. They bounced off the metal walls to drive into my ears even more so. A huge smile grew on my tired face. A peripheral glance into the closed window on my left gave a better view of them as they chose chairs and my mom's long standing oak stereo to sit.

I turned slowly in the cushions and absorbed each man with my gaze.

Jack Kerouac on my left holding a book and reciting a few lines aloud as Allen Ginsberg nodded andput his hands in the air next to him whispering repeated words as if at a revival. William S. Burroughs to the far right rocking in my grandma's old yellow rocking chair just grinning away sipping on a tall glass of jack daniels saying a few whispered words to Jack's poem. Finally, the man on the stereo clacking his boots against the wood cabinet doors in rhythm to the poem. His eyes shining brightly upward, his hair falling back in that thick curly way throat exposed mouth open, his fingers clutched to the stereo edges. Jim Fucking Morrison is his name.

I stared in awe at each one of them, I couldn't make out the poem Jack was almost singing in his low tone. I didn't care to ask. I just wanted to stay there forever in that moment. To have these four wonderfully fucked up intense creative beautiful men around me. To feel of their energy. How long they've all been gone off the earthh to gather in my childhood home in my mind.

The storm now directly over us, rain falling hard beating in time with jack's
voice as he grew louder. Bellowing the beat, the other three yelling AMEN BROTHER SING IT TO THE STORM!!!! Morrison hopping off the stereo and doing his shaman dance in the sparce space of my living room. Seeing his nude feet digging into the yellow red fraying carpet. His arms spread out, as he convulsed and laughed and threw his head back. Allen and William clapping and hooting and hollering.

The energy flowed in this swirling intensity and I orgasmed over and over and over until I felt like my tears wouldn't stop. I screamed out and convulsed violently. Jim falling on the floor and writhing like a snake into my lap. His chin touching my belly looking up at me with that smile. "you needed it Dahhhlin" he mused. I said please let me touch you.

He rose his head up and said, " Dahhhhlin you could always touch me don't you know that silly goose girl?" I wept as I touched him for the first time, wept hearing the three men call out in mixtures of their poems and wept for joy feeling apart of something I always wanted. To feel important.

Thank you my four favorite male spirits. I will never forget you ever.

Wyclef Jean - 911 ft. Mary J. Blige

2010-07-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

HE HE HE HE

2010-06-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

Ever have trouble with decision making? The very idea of having to decide what to do with your life makes you more aware of how well you wish to strangle someone. It can be easy and without any repercussions or! it can be a true pain in the ass that haunts you the rest of your damn life no matter how you try to dodge or hide or expell emotional bullshit. The lips turn blue but the air keeps being pulled in and out of the thought's lungs.

What if I told you
Necessity is key to involving a hand in theraputic release and you had no control of what would be used TO Necessitate this? HAHAHAHAHAH too bad Dammit. It's already on a roll...there's no stopping the course of action...the wings flutter and beat in rageful flaky juxtapositions but can not slow the tidal waves.

Spewing Chit is a state of mind

2010-02-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

I sit here plotting a different life
positive that I'm doing fine
and I complete an attitude
and I'm breathing in but not letting loose
and if I come out feeling alive
then I'm doing the right thing once again

My mind is muddled and constantly in motion
always another pending attack on the thoughts in my head
outside or inside influences can be a deteriment
and I'm all alone in this locked up room
thinking I'll never leave if I continue

Do I
Contribute
Do I
expend too much energy
Do I
suffer for reasons unbeknownst to me
Do I
suck the hellfire thru my lungs just to know I can feel driven
Do I
follow a path or make my own

All the confusion is a pain in the ass
why can't I let go of my crappy past
if I listen to everyone then I should be the happiest
person in this this strange existance

What's real is relative.

Grubby Creeps!

2009-11-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of being treated with disrespect when it comes to my health and well being especially concerning my teeth and this lingering lung infection. Why is it when I wish to take care of myself, I always have to go thru these damn hoops with supposed "professionals".

They take your money. They build up the price while you're in the chair, giving you a split decision on the state of your teeth or what kind of medication/options you should do for your body. I've only had a few decent Doctors and one dentist who gave me options Before giving ME the decision to do what is best for me.

I wonder just how many patients go thru this as well...the dreading wait each time they are put off for weeks at a time to get into the chair or on the table, having to bring someone in to speak for me or be witness to what is going on just to insure that I am getting adequate attention and respect. Especially if I'm under the Drill.

words splatter like cleansing acid rain

2009-06-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

Eat it up with a scorched spoon
drooling over your own miseries
lap up every last ounce of self esteem
drenched in obvious disappointments
so you can feel better for leaving

Doused in reflection from your past submission mirror
blame is a wonderful appetite
it fills up all the voids that you don't wish to dip your nose in
welcome to your new world order inside your tired head

It's a voracious appetite indeed
suck all the marrow out of every serviant bone in your fragile body
so that maybe you can leave a mark on the real world
instead of your massive outstretched feathered existance

Beauty isn't even skin deep if you can't accept who you are in the first
place correct?
When someone can see you from the inside not out, it scares you into
believing that maybe you were worth every second , day, month of effort

Sweet Salvation was a guide that you didn't want to touch the hand of
that would make you human and not auto divine.
Eternal subconscious connection will never let you run away completely
it leaves your footprints even in lava that you try to pour over raw and left open wounds. Try to run, hide away, it only makes you more weakened in your state of routined mind alterations as if you could ever digest and seek away with your snake like tongue and armour sky high to the forgiving universe. Shamanic path always leads you back. True friendship that's always been there and always will be, will keep its hand out even when its burnt to a crisp, eaten at, spit on, dug into with sharpened words like shards of glass.

Remember this always.

Godsmack - Greed

2009-04-06T13:19:00.001-07:00

Hey little bitch, be glad you finally walked away. Hard to find, how I feel, especially when you're smothering me. Hard to find, how I feel, please someone help me. Hard to find, How I feel, controlling every step of the way. Hard to find, how I feel, you Greedy Little Baby!

Audioslave - Be Yourself: Album Version, Closed Captioned

2009-03-18T11:22:00.001-07:00

To Everyone Whom I Love.

Akon - Sorry, Blame It On Me

2009-03-09T13:53:00.001-07:00

To the One woman who always was there for me, who was lost but now found herself. One day I will call you, Bunny. I promise. This song is dedicated to you, for always singing it with me at the jukebox with tears in your eyes. I love you Bunny. HUGS

Energy Abound

2009-03-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

"I am my own woman, my own person, my own stability, my own resource, my energy can transform anything that comes into my path" I repeat to myself now on a daily basis in one form or another.

I feel it gives me true strength. A motivating altnernative that draws in positive energy and recaptures my true state of mind and purpose.

I reflect back on my life and realize that even when I thought I had total control of my life, I really did not. I was merely floating like an absorbing cloud, sucking up and learning as much as I could. Enjoying the company of people whom brought out a true aspect of who I am and what I wanted to accomplish.

Now that I can finally look back, I release any resentment and regret. It only weighed me down like an anchor, keeping me in the same rut for far too long.

If only I could help other people to see what regret and resentment can do to their psyches. I know they have a clue but they have no concept because they're so far deep in the well that they can not see the moon shining down into the blackness against their faces.

So instead of me being the moon, I wish to be the elongated hand and hope that they feel me offering some form of aid.

I do not nor ever claim to be the Saving Grace or the perfect woman or domme.
That is such horse shit. To proclaim all knowing when you are still learning every moment of your life. Why I am here is beyond me at this moment as I write this, all I know is how I can affect people.

I once thought that if I was controlling enough, people would respect my gifts and myself. Now I realize, I can still be effective without wrapping my hands around their throats and shaking them into reality or another state of consciousness.

A guide is someone who is able to uplift and give a vision or an understanding, be there to comfort and move that person through without causing a disruption in their state of bliss, mind, body, soul.

I have tried to be that guide for a long time, but found I was impeding their journey by influencing them too fast and too intensely. Now, I know I must step back and give proper notice of how they react, feel, and comprehend.

"We can't change people but we can change how we react to them" ~~Anonymous

I believe that now with all my heart, as a Domme and as a friend.

My Kinky Test Results!

2009-01-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

Ultraviolet: 350nm
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-kink-spectrum-analysis-test

Holy spectrum! You have a lot of different kinks, and you definitely like to play on both sides of the fence. This versatility may make it hard to find a partner that doesn't bore you, however. For maximum pleasure, look for a partner who is Ultraviolet as well, or maybe Blue. Greens and Reds are probably too vanilla for you.
You scored 84% giving and 62% receiving on oral.
You scored 78% giving and 90% receiving on anal.
You scored 85% giving and 86% receiving on bondage.
You scored 78% giving and 52% receiving on humiliation.
You scored 94% giving and 75% receiving on pain.
You scored 82% dominance and 45% submission.
You scored 71% voyeurism and 67% exhibitionism.
Besides that, you're 50% into fetishism and 84% polysexual (i.e. interested in sex with multiple partners, whether at the same time or not). You'll probably want a partner who is similar, whether you scored high or low in these categories.
Finally, you scored 61% on autoerotic - a scale that measures your ability and/or willingness to have kinky fun without a partner. It's not exactly a matching criterion, but it's good for you if your score is high. Keep it up!

Screaming Billboards of Blood Towards the Doorway of Your Mind's Eye

2008-09-02T04:29:00.000-07:00

Strips of carpet stuck out from the edges of the floor
his fingertips itching as he looks down
trying to remember the rant that caused it the night before

The scent and sight of his own blood had ...stained the frays
bringing back a sense of memories almost blinded by pent up frustration
pounding dagger like nails into his eyes as he
crawled along the old wooden floor,
trying to recall any semblence of sanity
that once had kept him feeling safe and secure in his own world

But then the infamous door creaked open from the outside
and brought in every fathomable flaw, worry, joke, ridicule, challenge that he could possibly imagine.
Even the scent of this outer atmosphere subjected him to curiousity..
his fingernails had scraped just under the carpet's end...even tho he couldn't feel it...
his lungs filled with foreign air...tho he couldn't absorb it
his body ached to be touched...but the only thing he could feel was heat
outside that door

Fucking....save....me
The words bounced around in the tiny almost clausterphobic room
Fucking...save...me
Everyone was outside...out there....in the distance...he's squinting...weezing
Fucking! ahhh...save....ahhh meeee! his lungs burned with precision bursts
hands slapping wet against the course fibers

he clawed and dragged his pain wrought body towards the opened doorway
praying someone would reach out...understand...feel....do....

Where the FUCK are all of YOU
his mind grew confused, pained more so than his own body
wanting so badly to show them ...something...anything...a resemblence of his youthfulness, his intelligence, his wit, his undying passion, his shattered glued back up a million fucking times heart...
It's not a game to him...It's not a mind fuck...It's not a Dis-Connection, it's not a Dis-Dain....It's not a Dis-membering of his soul

Why is it that no one Tries to Comprehend
Why does he always have to prove himself time and time again
Can't they just fucking see him for who he is and quit putting roles upon him like he's the perfect actor in their plays, a well versed poet, a white knight in shining armor with his arms standing firm out only helping but not feeling...

FUCK ALL OF YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU
the words are there....burning in bursts of energy, blood rolling off his tongue and lips...coating his throat...like a...
Billboard Screaming to the Sky...
See Me...
READ ME...
I can't do it for you, I can't live it for you.....put your hand out and Feel IT..Touch IT...Know IT. I can't describe it for you, I can't offer it to you..

Explaining it would be drowning in a shallow pool of your own blood right now and you want details?

But he finds himself still crawling...picking up remnants of himself with every aching muscle and bone cracking thud
until finally he feels hands at the lit doorway
he hears their voices reverberating in his ears
he's finally.....not alone
he's finally

HOME.

Shakespeare's Sister-Stay

2008-08-22T12:17:00.001-07:00

The Phoenix Arises Once Again

2008-07-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

I do believe its about time I wrote in my infamous journal.

It's been quite a crazy time these past few months. I have had some wonderful and hardship experiences that have culminated into an interesting journey. Through turmoil and perserverence I've come to realize that love is worth the fight.

My love James moved to be here with Me in late April. He's been a great inspiration in My life. I haven't had a Rock in it since I don't remember when. He's pulled Me out of many mindful and physical ruts, I owe him My heart. smiles

Also, I've had a twisted dream come true. My now best friend Angel is back permanently in My life. He will never know the extent of happiness he's caused in just being here even tho he thinks he's a deteriment. I wish I could drill that into his head but that will take time and experience for him to realize it.

I've been motivated once again to actually strive for My goals. Who knew that two beautiful creatures could bring such life back into Me.

For all of you who are connected to Me, you also know this and I'm glad you've accepted them so quickly.

Look Not Always to the Sky, But into the Eyes of Your Soulmate

2008-03-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

STAR (by Hell Yeah)

The way you move. The way you move me.
Makes me feel alive
The way you look. The way you look at me.
Sends chills up my spine

I found my star. Lost the moon.
That star is you.

Love the way you love me. You love me
Love the way you do me. Just like you do
The way you touch. The way you touch me.
Makes me feel alive.
The way you melt me. The way we melt together.
Melt into my eyes

I found my star. Lost the moon.
That star is you. Shining Through
I love the way you love me. You love me
Love the way you do me. Just like you do

My angel. My anchor. My star...

I found my star. Lost the Moon.
That star is you. Shining through
I Found My star. You love me.
That star is you. Shining through
I found My star. That star is you
I found My star. Shining through
You're My Star...

Love Is On The Way by Saigon Kick

2008-03-24T15:05:00.001-07:00

The First time I heard this song, I was a mere teen. Sitting on the passenger seat feeling the air whip thru my hair as I stared out at the fast rolling fields on my way to Minot. I remember thinking, one day The Man in my life will sing this to me. I believe I have finally found that man in James. Thank you everyone for emotionally supporting me through everything. You all will never know how much it means to me. I love you all and I especially love you my James.

OTEP - T.R.I.C

2008-03-05T08:22:00.001-08:00

She is one of My creative muses. Find out why. ::evil grin::

Fire And Sky: Creativity Bursts

2008-02-17T23:22:00.000-08:00

Slamming into the wasteland of all that was ....ripping thru the tarnished waves of hysteria as i rise above...wings tattered but causing me to fly faster..downward..swooping into everyone's realities....slaying the demons that edge on their auras....mashing them down back into the ground...telling them NO more!

Fuck your black souls and your instant gratifying ways..you are nothing without us....seep down into the earth and reclaim your emptiness. ...
I will not let you ...I will never volunteer...you are nothing but a speck in My reality easily erased. I am here for a purpose...always here and you will never know the amount of power I have to keep you away. Suck off the slime that you leave on the earth....take away all that you have because it will never be as strong as Me.

Scoop your cracked and crooked nails...you are just a manifestation...a low spirit wanting to be....look up into the light..you know that light..the one that burns will not burn anymore if you reclaim your soul. Feel it and follow...pathway to enlightenment...and soon...you will not be considered in the minions of the supposed damned....go forth and become a high spirit...do so and no one will ever spit at you...burn and mar you...keep you in a locked comfortable cell called Hell.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Time to fly up to the heavens and feel the ethereal nature that lies within me..without leaving the ground...finding what I am made of is what my purpose is...if only others could sense that exotic taste of creativity. that pulsating pounding profusion that rips thru every sense and makes pushes heaves you into a state of utter delirium. If only one person could fall deep into it because of me.....i would be so utterly happy.

Sounds reverberate in my head...voices and songs, words and pictures..images floating and swirl ....if you could see this would you think of me as crazy now? If you knew this..could you ridicule and rip me down like an empty paper bag?
No...you would fly with me too...you would soar and grace the clouds with your imagination.

Follow me and feel one with that ....know that once you are there you can't go back. Scream it to everyone....who cares what they think...who cares why they say what they do in order to make themselves feel better...its up to you to be who you are.

End that war...and find peace in tranquil surreal thought just once.

______________________________________

Chanting into a New Birth of Thought

2008-02-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

Perceive the everlasting conquest of life
Can you sense it?
Smell it?
Do you crave it?
Screaming body aching searching for the absolute realization of your birth
It's a hidden knowledge deep inside your core that only you know
It's a slow sinking solution to every situation you've ever been in
It's a way to understand what you never were taught
It's all that you are

Slip slide into the darkness and find the light that once glowed
Re-ignite power
Ingest
Passion flows in your veins
All you want is what is there
tap
tap
tap
into the mainstream artery of your creativity
pulse
pulse
pulsing its way into your brain stem heart chakra blistering your eyes with images
slither sleep into the warming knowing abyss that is your soul
and awaken to a new dawn
you're alive
Feel even if it Fucking Hurts to the very depths of your inner core
and you'll want it more ...and more

Coldplay - Yellow

2008-02-07T00:04:00.001-08:00

To My James

Embrace The Wickedry Within

2007-12-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, its been a long time since last I wrote on My blog. Forgive the long pause in writing.........and now:

My journey has become a more clear path than previous for over a year. I have discovered that I miss writing and not just role playing or talking. I miss training, I miss getting inside a beautiful mind. When I realized this, I met a rather intriguing few but there is one in particular that has piqued My interest.

His name is James. smiles wickedly

If you wish to know more, just ask Me. I would love to indulge you..oh and he's on the Alpha sub training program. I'm wondering how long it will take for him to make it thru. *crooked grin*

Yes, I am back and I will write more. nods

Love to A/all,

Natosha

Probing For A Heated Thought

2007-09-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Wet dreams wrap
slow slither slumber
possible fornicating beneath the raptured sheets
piercing through the night's energy

Sleep in half heaven half hell
basking
slide down into its glorious mind altering wrath
and find your true lust animal.

A Sneak Peek

2007-08-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

Her fingertips edged along his sweat soaked spine causing his body natural undulation. Gasps rippled thru his throat causing heated waves to spread among his muscles....

How long before Her fingernails sought after the most tender spots? How much time will pass before he would be in a pool of his own sweat at Her feet? These questions were just a sample that screamed through his sensually fragmenting mind when he was with Her.

Her whispers seeped into his pulsating ear making him tilt to Her soft warm lips...goosebumps rose and fell in waves as She taunted him with ideas, images, anything to hear his physical heightening responses until his knees gave in; falling hard to the floor in desperate rugged gasps that could be heard throughout the candlelit parlor. "Pleasssse Jaaade no morrrre" Slayn hissed through clenched jaw.

"Giving up? I thought you weren't a quitter. That's a big part of you to never give up even when it's so damn difficult..so challenging...are you telling Me you are Forfeiting, Slayn?" Her voice mixed with a witch's cackle that sent him reeling. His nostrils strained for air making him sound like a rasping bull..."NO! I won't Give in, I won't Give up JADE!"
he growled through aching jaw. His eyes boring holes into the oriental rug.

"Oh Good, I was getting a slight bit worried. I mean this is only the first week of your training, I wouldn't want to kick your F'n Ass so soon, Slayyyyyyyyn" Her voice full of cat scratching frivolity.

In his head all he could hear is that dragging of his name, the name She gave him and he took as an honor to Her. His neck rolled, loosening up for the next round of evil torturous mind f'king. 'I'll win...dammit...I will show Her I am F'n Strong' he thought as his eyes dug deeper now into the crimson and white oriental rug.

Balanced on a Moon Beam

2007-08-06T03:09:00.000-07:00

I have found that by paying attention to My surroundings I can even hear a freakin owl from a mile away and see a harvest moon at the same darn time. I try not to read too much into every little thing tho or I wouldn't be able to Live a LIFE. yeah....smiles

Common Misconceptions

2007-07-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh how I love to mess with peoples minds...muawahahahahahaha!!!!

If you wish to understand what truly goes thru your Domme's mind, check out my list..you know the one...hehehehehe

More to come...

A Song That Whirls In My Mind

2007-06-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

F'k You (an ode to no one)~~~Smashing Pumpkins

I'm never coming back
I'm never giving in
I'll never be the shine in your spit
I disconnect the act
I disconnect the dots
I disconnect the me in me
and you're mistaken, it's you that's faking
living and breathing and dying too
this message is for anyone who dares to hear a fool
yu can't bring me back, you can't bring me back
cause i give it all back to you
thru sacred alleys, the living wrecks
wreak their havoc upon this world
the disenchanted, the romantics,
the body and face and soul of you is gone down that deep black hole
destroy the m ind-destroy the body-but you cannot destroy the heart
and you, you make me so i need to disconnect
and you make it so real
i don't need your love to disconnect
to runaround kids in get-go cars
with vaseline afterbirths and neon coughs
galaxies full of nobodies
giving us the farewell runarounds
i took a virgin mary axe to his sweet baby jane, lost my innocence to a no good girl, scratch my face with anvil hands, and coil my tongue around a bumblebee mouth
and i give it all back to you
no way, i don't need it, i don't need your love to disconnect
and you make it, so real, i don't need your love to disconnect
no way to disconnect
and you make it so real
i don't need your love to disconnect
no way to disconnect.

Collapse

2007-05-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Collapse..Her word.

His body dropped in unison to it every time. It seemed an eternity but only two hours had passed. Muscles screamed under his skin, wanting desperately to relax. His breath labored as he tried to regain composure under Her scrutinizing dark eyes. It took all he had not to whimper from the pain and pleasure he endured. Seems She always knew exactly what kind of measurements to take to ensure a most streneuous session.

"you will take a half hour rest and then you will meet Me in the corridor, understand?" Her voice oozing with a mixture of strength and wanting. "Yes, Miss Jade" he half whispered thru clenched tired jaw. "Very good" She cooed, leaving him alone with his thoughts...again.

Always on the verge, he thought. Nostrils straining for air, mind reeling with a million broken questions. His fingers managed to clasp into the white thick carpet giving him some feel of gravity. Thirty minutes will also feel like a f'n eternity..he hissed softly, eyes slightly rolling as his body could fight no more...collapsing fully to the soft carpet.

There he lay...half conscious...and pondering Her next round of tortureful beautiful awakenings.

Daydreams Can Become Reality

2007-04-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

For all who don't know...here's an update smiles

I have recently applied to the University of Maryland for online courses. I am aiming for a B.A. in Psychology.

My goal is to use this degree and also study shamanism so that I can understand people in a different way: askewed if you will. I'm moving forward in My life and will continue to do so.

I've had this dream since I was a kid of being a counselor/therapist. Sitting down and writing people's thoughts down in a note pad. Yes, odd...hehehe but I prefer studying and helping people thru their issues than just sit at a desk or doing hard manual labor for the rest of My life.

My dreams have been guiding Me to this decision as well as a few others. Nature has also had its hand in this, for all of you who don't know my background...I have always felt connected to nature, reading into the signs it gives me.

So all in all, I feel I'm on a positive path to something great and long lasting.

So The Smurf Said to His Roasted Nuts....

2007-04-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

I had the most F'n Fun and Frustrating experience tonight. Yes, I used three F words...what are ya gonnadoabou'it? laughs

Tessa, Her man and I went out of town after hanging out at their apartment this past evening. Everything pretty much normal..well..as normal as three people with F'd up personalities can be...laughs

Half way there, Tessa's "gauge light" comes on..flash flash flash. This red annoying reflection on her window. I was sitting in the backseat listening to a wicked growling james hetfield's voice ripping thru the seat into My spine..I wanted to ignore the light...but to no avail.

Her car lights started to dim..we coasted into the walmart parking lot..making it barely in time to park and it dies out. We all agree its the battery keeping the car going being the alternator is on its last pumping breaths.

Tessa ends up calling her grandmother who lives in town. This family is very car mechanic savvy. I saw one example: seeing her grandma crawling under her car in her backyard, fixing the muffler with wire to the body frame. She didnt care about her nails or her back..she was intent on fixing Tessa's car.

So she boosts us..we run into walmart, doing our quick shopping spree of essential items. This is where our conversations start getting interesting...talking about life, crazy drivers and their annoying idea that high beams are a great way to blind/torture innocents, etc...

We make it back to the car, giggling..all three sharing a cigarette. Just going off. The car is boosted. GREAT! I offered her grandmother a "thank you take this money for gas to follow us" gift. She gladly obliges and follows us home...........................

She ends up boosting us Four More Times. Each time we have to sit there in the car for thirty mins before the car can go another 8miles. During this adventure...all of us including her grandmother and her teen cousin are getting goofy assed tired. Tonight was the first time I heard her grandmother swear like an expert sailor......

We talked about Smurfs being these evil bastards who take over the world and how Smurfette was the ringleader Domina...Roasting smurfs nuts on an open fire...laughs...we talked about how I can do the "evil elmo" voice...yes, there's a story behind that. Some of you know it. laughs

I had Tessa's man laughing so hard he damn near had an asthma attack. I've never caught him off guard like that before. Tessa was begging me to stop making her laugh or her bladder would explode. laughs I was tired/goofy I couldn't help but lose it while trying to talk "evil elmo".

All in all, even tho it was worrysome at times on the highway...it ended up being a blast! See MOM...look at everything as a learning experience!!!!
hehehehehehehehehehee

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa......giggling

Laters PEEPS! Peace out! lol

The Mirror has too many sides

2007-03-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

Strange dream..but when aren't My dreams strange..heh
I hardly ever remember the first half unless its sharply visual..so this is the last half:

I'm on this school bus with a mixture of people, some young some past high school. We've been traveling from the city to my town. I hear a familiar voice from the seat infront of me. I peek over and there's zackery whispering to this girl. I smirk and sit back, catching bits and pieces of the conversation. Apparently they've known each other for quite awhile and are plotting something. Both are doing these corny evil laughs, causing me to finally break out in a small giggle.

This causes zackery to stop dead in his tracks and peek over the seat. Beautiful widening orbs stare at me. "um yeah, hi...why are you here? how'd you get here? you're not supposed to be on this bus, i mean not that i wouldn't want you on here but, um hm yeah."

"I don't know why I'm here, I just am..." I retort, continuing to stare directly at him. The bus is humming with soft conversation over the engine. I realize we're only moments away from our destination. Suddenly I feel compelled to glance over my left shoulder and who do I see? lets call him..The Ghost. he smirks at both of us and nods in acknowledgement.

I think wtf...both of them in my dream? Then I realize, a quarter of the people on the bus are friends, lovers, and acquaintences from my past, present and even future.
I don't freak out, I just turn to face the cat like stare of zackery's, who's eyes are now darting from The Ghost's to Mine.

"Well that's just ..creepy", Zackery smirks against the seat. Throughout this time, his friend has been almost stoic quiet.
Once in awhile Zackery peeks down to see if she's alright.
nods of okays are given...like a secret language btwn them.

We arrive at our destination; a gas station just outside of my town. People are staring out of the windows...voices are rising in alarm. I look thru my window, realizing they're talking about the burned down cafe and machine shop. Literally gone with smoke rising in twirls. The second my bus stops, I rush out..observing the damage with zackery in tow.

"What do you think happened" I whispered..."Hmmm probably some fool started a campfire btwn the shops and wasn't paying attention. Embers got out of control burnin both places within minutes! Course, no one died but the guy I was sent to jail immediately...DAMMIT, I'm hungry and thirsty...lets go to the gas station"...I stare at him, "The bus is going to leave in a few minutes, zack. I really don't wish to walk after dusk around here." he stares back and then chuckles.."you really do worry too much, come on!"

I follow zackery quickly to the station...literally being sidetracked by his behavior. I watch as he decides to spend 20 bucks on this/that/and the other...then out of nowhere, "Oh maaaan..I wasn't supposed to spend that 20..now I only have this 20 and I owe my brother", he frowns and contemplates.

"you should've thought of that before going on a spending spree in this tiny freakin town doof" I chide, seeing zack cringe then cringe some more when his cell phone goes off. It's his brother..he must have radar. After a moment of hard to understand chatter..me tapping my foot as i see the bus driver getting more and more pissed off...zack hangs up.

"he has two jobs that i'm supposed to check into. I don't know if I wish to do either...god, Its just wrong. Why do people always put me in these situations. I hate effort! Gahhh!" he stomps out and stands into a nook next to the station. For a few moments I try to convince him to get on the bus but to no avail. The bus leaves and I say .."Great zack..my backpack was on the bus and now we have to fuckin walk all because you cant decide what to do..you know what..i have cash..i'm thirsty. Fuck this I'm going in", brushing past him.

he reluctantly follows..forehead hanging slightly...his deep eyes darting from side to side...he catches a few flyers in his periferial vision, snatching them up as I find a soda.
When I get to the counter, zack's already filled out an application and has called in for the Lady Clerk to set up another meeting for designing a few websites.

I stand there shocked as the Lady rings up the bill. I pay but I'm so surprised by zack's sudden show of effort, I dont touch my drink and I follow him outside. The bus has come back..different driver someone I apparently dont like. We get in and its even more crowded with people but this time only a few I know. I have to sit next to two scruffy guys who cramp up against each other whispering.

Zackery just stands next to me and doesnt care that he's blocking the aisle as he keeps talking on his cell. Again..The Ghost is smiling cat like this time..near the back of the bus.
My eyebrow crooks..wtf. The bus doesnt move, something's wrong with the engine. Everyone moans and climbs off of the bus.

The Ghost quietly follows us back to the gas station. By this time I'm charged up thinking this is b.s. I never face the ghost and ask why he's there because I've become accustomed to his appearances...its the bus I'm angry at. Zackery knows the Ghost is there also but only slightly acknowledges him with a flicker of his eyes.

Thats how the dream ends from what I can recall. ITs ODD and yes rambling..but I decided to put it on here to try and figure it out. If you have any suggestions that arent Goofy..laughs or that are..g'head. I need your help too. hehe

A beautiful thought

2007-02-20T02:50:00.000-08:00

An indelible mark was left in his mind the moment he met her. It took one glance to realize his heart was in trouble. Questions that once were raised in immediacy fell sway to her mere blue glance. Was it just by chance that this feminine creature had that much inner beauty swelling under her plain skin or was it her wise ancient spirit shining thru every pore that caused him to quiver in response.

All he knew was that he couldn't break free from her eyes and it felt so damn good to be truly seen for who he was for the very first time.

A gentle sweep of her fingertips to his scruffy chin was like electric shock to his system. A whisper of a word from her lips to his ear caused undulating energy to flow thru his spine.

Her thoughts and feelings became important as his. It wasnt about submission or dominance..it was her undying devotion to him that he will never shake. Why does this ethereal being have such strong feelings for him? If love does exist then it must be a metaphysical manifestation, something most people will never feel in their lifetime.

A City of Coexisting Worlds

2007-02-01T06:09:00.000-08:00

My dream was a strange mixture of sci fi adventure and ancient buildings scattered around the edges of the new. Scholars, Healers, Priests dwelled in these buildings; offering what ever guidance they could since they were being monitored by the city government.
A motley crew of misfits who bonded together to form an elite tactical unit. Two of these members were from different regions of the vast city. They were also secretly in lust/love with each other until one fateful day when everyone met to protect a high official in a series of shining black vans.
The pair looked like action stars(tom cruise and katie holmes)..but not sugary sweet. Very intense and in love, showing the world that they were serious no matter how their unit or the community reacted.
They were chased, threatened, forced to undergo "therapy" which consisted of believing each were in this auditorium with a Scholar doing the speeches. Only finding out that it was a set up to fuck with their minds.
At the end of the dream, they stood at the steps of the mighty capitol building. People were all around, cameras were snapping....as the two triumphantly kissed each other with such intense passion. Stared into each others eyes and told the entire World who they really were and that they've loved each other for a long time.

A Dream with an illusionist

2007-01-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

His body seemed to radiate as he stepped closer to the curb. Many gawked and pointed, wondering what he was up to. All I could figure out was I would be one of the people to witness his stupid attempt at becoming infamous.
The noise of the traffic filled my ears for a moment, causing me to break my view of him. I wondered if he'd been planning this ever since seeing some episode of Criss Angel or David Blaine on A&E. I believed he was about to either try to cross to the median or literally all the way over where I was standing, hoping to not get hit by an oncoming truck or car.
Then I heard harsh gasps and oh nos from within the small group of people around me. My eyes shot back to the young man as he began his careful walk across the street. Cars honked, people screamed at him to stop. His eyes were focused suddenly on me as I stood rooted to my curb. He had to have been maybe early twenties, short blondish brown hair, lean bodied. He mouthed words but I couldnt hear nor read them. A screeching brake sounded above the chaotic audio sensations. My eyes followed his to the oncoming luxury line bus. He dropped to the ground flat as the bus went over him and climbed into what looked like inner steps to the bus.
I heard a familiar voice to my left, Criss Angel. A mixture of concern and anger shown from his sharp features. Seconds later, he was under the now stopped bus, pulling the young man out from under, making sure he was okay and yelling at him for his "ridiculously played out stunt".
I found myself, walking almost gliding across the street, Criss looked over at me stunned. I was Walking Thru the vehicles like an apparition. His dark eyes flashed with familiarity, a quirky smile appeared. No one else had seen my time warped motions except him.
Another set of seconds later, I was standing next to Criss, this young man, and a rock musician named C.C. Deville. I had no idea why he was there or perhaps the man just looked like him. Criss soothed the crowd, saying the man was okay and even did a few street tricks to calm them. Afterwards, all the women in the audience sensually attacked Criss, leaving tattered clothing, love marks and a shaking smiling Criss. I just laughed and tossed him his unripped white briefs saying "here, put these on before the cops pick you up for indecent exposure."
He slipped them back on as I miraculously wrapped a blanket around him. All of us walked down the street to this little dive gas/restaurant. We ended up ordering some food. CC and Criss sang a few tunes while I listened, smiling and trying not to lose it. The young man apologized sincerely to all of us and said he had to go.
The dream ended with Criss laying next to me on a bed in a dingy hotel room. He had his arms tight against his body and pressed up against me with his face into my shoulder, whispering something about 'i saw you'. I knew what he meant and just smiled sweetly to him..cuddling into him.
The End or is it?

Can you say Clindamycin?

2007-01-22T18:32:00.000-08:00

I went from having a very interesting new year's eve night to a long dragging out month of january.

For all who don't know,

I paid a visit to an earthly sect of hell, us humans like to call:
Tooth Pain

Yes, the dreaded consistent pounding feeling you get first inside the tooth..then your gum..then finally the nerve has no where else to go except upwards into the ear canal. Last monday started out that way...

Slow progressive pain that became so intolerable I couldn't even prop myself up to sleep until my friend tessa came over and gave me something to knock my ass out. It took two hrs to do so, but my body finally gave in. I couldn't get into the dentist until wednesday afternoon...all they could do for me prior to that visitation was a nice dose of 800mg Ibuprofen every 4hrs and "good luck, see you in two days!"

Righhhhhht...yeah...
by the time I got into the dentist on wed, the right side of my face was in excruciating pain espec when he touched inside the corner of the jaw, i almost bit down on his finger. he gave me prescriptions for an antibiotic, Clindamycin..some hydrocrone for pain and another..see you on Monday! oh by the way, that hydrocrone ..you only get 15pills of that so I hope to god that advil/ibuprofen works to reduce the swelling painful gum.

Now, mind you...I have been kicking myself since the pain started..knowing fully well its my fault that i allowed this to happen to me being i should take better care of my teeth...but to be made to wait over a week to have a tooth extracted...was a nightmare.

Finally, this afternoon, I got into the dentist's office. Lo and behold, he didnt even bother to confer with his assistant that I was still in a heaping amount of pain even while taking everything as directed. He decided since he seemed in a rush...to say open wide for me....grabbing the corner of my mouth..stretching it beyond capacity and Jabbing the novocaine needle three times before saying..does that hurt?

What......The....HELL.

I was so angry I was shaking, tears are running down my face..I cant even look at the two of them...and he asks me...Does That Hurt?
you cheeky spaz monkey mf...Of Course That F'n Hurt you Moron!!

At least he was able to extract the tooth without a problem, but everytime they'd ask me a question i'd just say yea, mhm, nope and still tryiiiing to hold myself in check. People, I literally had to keep from reaching over the armrest and yanking down on his balls thru his pants saying "Does that hurt you f' Twat?"

Yes, I'm venting big time....Yes, I'm being graphic as hell....but its my blog. So HA! laughs

On a side note,

I'm TIRED.
Take that however you wish it...it can be taken many ways

Transformation

2006-12-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

Dreaming of fallen angels disguised as humans slowly making their way thru this purgatory we call earth. Coaxed only by the hunger to cross over, they find their way thru twisted broken paths. No one really understands their pain, only that they wish for solitude amidst the over flow of human emotion and torment.

We try to ease their pain, comfort their broken mangled bodies..hold them gently against us..whisper into their ears that one day they will be seen once again..truly seen as who they really are. Their wings repaired from the burnt broken states and once again they will soar.

Most humans will never understand their suffering and would rather turn their backs, rejecting them as if they were just another sad product of humanity.

I will strive to change this view, encourage others to see the inner light that shines behind dark eyes and muffled souls as I've always done in my pasts.

I see, I feel, I am always there for you. Always.

An Odd Love Letter To All My Friends.

2006-11-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I have been going through alot lately.

Last night I received a call from my Dad's sister as I sat at the computer writing.
My night had been going rather smoothly until I picked up the phone.
My aunt sounded as if she had been crying hard, voice cracked..the last time this strong woman ever sounded this way was when her mother, my dad's mom, had just passed away.

I braced myself and asked her what was wrong,
my dad's favorite neice who's been struggling over the past few years with a progressive brain stem cancer is close to the end. She's only in her late fourties. Everyone thought she was doing much better, able to see thru her bad eye, able to go back to work for the past several months but now suddenly she's laying in a hospital bed passing away.

The hardest part was having to tell my parents. I tried to remain calm but sometimes, like last night, it didn't work so well. After telling my mom of the bad news, I curled up on my bed and cried for an hour.

All my thoughts just swirling in my head and all the cliche' things pple say when a death happens in their family...but I realized, some of those statements are right.

I sat up and made a few calls to people I love. I figure life Is too short to dwell in the past and hold any kind of grudges or anger towards someone you state you love.

A weight was lifted and I was finally able to sleep without intense dreams last night....yes I am still getting the damn migraine but at least I can sit here and type without my eyes blurring from the excruciating pain.

I have been very guarded about leaving personal feelings on my blog but since last night, I feel why not put my thoughts, feelings, desires on here once again. It's my blog. If people wish to read it so be it, if not...oh well.

I will always love those who have touched my heart deeply. No matter what the outcome, at least I know that it was a mutual reaching out and no matter what someone thinks...The Definition of Love is not just saying the words but truly looking into someone's eyes and seeing it.

People can become confused, scared, not knowing how to react to this feeling. People become blinded with this intense feeling of love and forget to pay attention to their surroundings...does that mean you hold that person accountable for Every Action they've done without them doing the same to you?

What I'm saying is this....
I have taken responsibility for everything I've done now in my life. I have sat in my bedroom on my bed and bawled my heart out reaching out to people who are not physically there. I have had such intense emotions for people in my life and I dont think they truly know just how deep those feelings go. They see a strong wise person who's there for them, they dont think I can make mistakes or perhaps they have too high a standard brazened on my forehead.
I say this because I caught myself doing the same damn thing to other people...and I'm stopping that right now.

I want these people in my life in whatever form they wish to be and if they dont see that, its their problem not mine. I have reached out as much as I can...I have been punished enough for my mistakes. I hope that in time They can see this and stop putting me in a silent purgatory.

Until then...I'm moving on and staying true to myself. No, I'm not looking for another relationship and no I am no longer ruined by anyone. I'm focusing on my writing, my store, my friends, my life.

I love all of you deeply and one day I hope you can feel it as well.

I'll continue to update more often, I promise you that.

Love,

Natosha

The Reason by Hoobastank

2006-10-12T02:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not a perfect person
there are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I've put you thru
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
thats why I need you to hear

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me to change
who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
A reason for All that I do
and the reason is you.

An Update ...sort of LAUGHS

2006-09-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been a long time since I last posted....

I have been going thru alot of soul searching among other things. smiles

I won't go into details for now, just that I have come to some conclusions about My life and what needs to be accomplished.

I have started a new novella with a bit of twists...hehehehe
A few interesting characters that people can relate to especially in My lifestyle. It's a journey for a male submissive. I'll leave it at that.

I'm also going on a trip with my mom to her annual conference and also to see relatives whom I've not seen in a few years. It'll be fun to see familiar faces and just hang out like we used to. I can see this as a respite from everything that's been going on. I'll also be able to reconnect with My mother since our lives are always busy.

Whatever happens during the trip, I know I'll have had some relaxing enjoyment and be able to spend some money since I really havent been able to do that in a long time.

I will give you All the details when I return in a week. smiles wide

Take care everyone, be safe and enjoy life because you never know how long you'll be on this place we call earth. smiles

Love,

Miss Natosha

Thought Patterns and Cycle of Manifestations

2006-08-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

I have many thoughts racing in my head.. I have wondered why I'm really here on this planet so many times my mind aches with it all. I wake up with migraines so extreme it feels like a tiger is pounding its paws and its claws dig sharp into my skull. The growling and gnashing of teeth doesnt help either. Its just as confused about my plight until this morning.

I am finally acknowledging my gifts and I Will refine them.

I may sound scrambled and confused at times but its only to outwardly figure out what it all means. How I'm supposed to refine and if its supposed to be by writing.

I do know this...that if I don't refine and use my gifts...they could be manipulated and used against me. So I must take the advantage now.

A Thought

2006-08-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Instead of writing poetic verse, I've decided to just free flow...

I am a bundle of sparking energy waiting for the right time to ZAP
I am a mass of anger surging thru every nerve cell and banging against my chest with such power, I could knock out telephone poles with a mere glance
I am a constant thought that evades all others, bouncing against walls inside my brain and fracturing every last one
I am a slow churning fury of fire that burns everything it touches, melting and scorching
I am not rage..more of a sudden emotion rising from the ashes of blindness
I am that I am that I am that I am and I am not changing until the thought either extinguishes or is resolved.

Adreniline Dreams

2006-08-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

your body was faithful
your mind was a cavern
of unspoken knowledge
your love was unchained
joyous in a temporary rapture
your tongue was talented
you could recite and rewrite
in seconds glance
your life IS worth living
its time to stop hiding
A wonderous enveloping
awaits your fate
It's up to you
you'll know what to do
A positive change
will rearrange
your once step by step life
no more strife
will follow you like a plague
It's time to act now
______________________________________

I am an unflinching rage of pure white light
bouncing and flailing amongst the dark
I am a blinding realization
flowing thru every pore until there's only a core
I am an uncompromising wind
blowing thru your cities and shores
tyranical and unfathomable
Reaping all that I can
wanting more.....
more....
even when there's nothing left to absorb

I am a patient affliction
eating away at your inner core
I am a strength unmatched
I am Purity
I am what you craved since birth
I am here
Waiting
for you.

An Engulfed Desire

2006-08-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

Crackling of fire sends you bursting thru the room
Your heart opening to its rising heat
Suffocate in its rapturous smoke
Weaving thru falling ash
Leaving a trailing path

Destruction and Resurrection
A humbled mass of delirium
Mayhem ensues with spread eagled arms
Awaiting your fate

Will you bid adue to your former life
and offer yourself to the Flames within
or suffer in burning silence once again
________________________________________

Pressure for excellence
confined by the eternal clock
do you spark
a flame of wishful thinking
just to reach out and burn yourself

You're a slow melting candle
aching to burn brighter
feel the wax drip down your skin
embrace the fluidity of the motion

Do you wish to be with Me
in the true sense
Do you have the emotional capacity
to burn for Me

Fuck you if you can't feel Me
Fuck you for not knowing Me
If you really love
you'd feel the burn of My essence
wrapping around you in Purity.

Yes, Purity
That which you fear most of all
My slow sinking all knowing love
spilling over like a water fall

Will you escape
Never...its not in your heart
you've never been a coward
Why start now

Burn With Me.
I dare you.
BURN.

One of My Fav. Thought Provoking Songs

2006-08-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

Passenger. Deftones feat. Maynard James Keenan

Here I lay
still and breathless
Just like always
still I want some more
mirror's sideways
who cares whats behind
just like always
still your passenger

your chrome buttons, buckles and leather surfaces
these and other lucky witnesses
meant to calm me
this time wont you please...drive faster.

Roll the window down this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares who sees anything
I'm your passenger

Drop these down then put them on me
nice, cool seats there to cushion your knees
meant to calm me
take me round again
dont pull over
this time wont you please...drive faster.

Roll the window down this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares who sees whats at night
Throws these misty windows to catch my breath again
go and go and go and drive me home and back again

Solo

Here I lay
just like always
dont let me...go..go...go....go...go..go..go...go...go
Take Me to the Edge.

Palmistry

2006-08-02T04:54:00.000-07:00

love everlasting
pain in persuasion
small strong hand
waiting cheek

A culmination
derived from pure desire
Trust an aphrodisiac
arising by a slow burning fire

Seeking out truth
with a palm at the ready
unrestrained and full of energy
aching for the echo

Will you tremble
squirm over My knees
whimper and plead
pant softly in a silent room

That feeling of abandon
your head beginning to swoon
as I rub and raise and rub some more
you wish for Me to strike so badly

Be patient...

Contemplation is a Driving Force

2006-08-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

Comforting feelings fill the air as I sit here. Restless and aware of everything around me. I wish I could share this feeling with everyone.
Tonight I feel like rambling.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I ponder. What does that truly mean? I've savored every waking moment, reliving and relishing. I feel ....................................Humbled.

I usually can go off in all directions with my thoughts, writings, etc.
But tonight...it's different. Possibilities are Endless.

That's it. Right there. Possibilities are Endless and yet I can't share it quite yet. It's on the tip of my tongue but it can't flow. It's so damn frustrating. laughs shakes head

ARGH. shakes fist in air

This entry will seem messy and cause eyebrows to raise and you know what......really...you know what???????

I....Don't....Give....A....Damn. It's My blog and if I wish to not make sense and be mysterious as hell, I have that option.
_______________________________

I have been going thru so many emotions and realizations that my head is spinning and my body is aching from the impact. I know of one thing that will always be true: I will always be who I am.

With that said, hehehehe

What if,
you were told that there's a possibility your life will change forever in one day? your ego and pride is no longer an issue and you better focus on what's truly worth fighting for.

There, I said it. It may not make any sense to most of you..but a choice few will know Exactly what I'm babbling about.

Love to All of you.

Natosha

2006-07-24T04:02:00.000-07:00

Maynard James Keenan

Bikini Bandits and Keenan in a most strange funny clip. Oh. My. God. Laughs

Questioning A Ghostly Feeling

2006-07-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

I crave your touch
unforeseen ventures follow into nothingness
the moment is gone
swept away
and i'm left with a feeling of foreboding
constant unravelling
finding the false movements
apparition like stances
trying to seek solace
I want to know about you
No acting
No charm school silouhette
No scheming underbelly
A Truth in a sea of wishful thinking
birthed before me
A new beginning
forced out into the world
I want to hold the real you
nestle in your arms
feel replenished and not wary
understand the depths of your soul
not the fantasy you told
I want your wings to carry Me
off into tranquility
not into a deep dark hole
where nothing is as it seems
Will you allow Me that view
The True you
Or will you forever shield
and never reveal
a single facet of you
_________________________________________
I stand amidst a fleeting fancy
judging only by what I see
I find a place deep within myself
to set my imagination free
Creating something out of nothing
striving for a new beginning
A foretold gesture
forces My attention
A suggestion
spilling out of my guts
and fuming at my mistrusts
I ponder what became of this
Is it just
that I can't seem to get a footing
on all that i've been learning
should I be more forgiving
of myself
Dwelling
in all those memories
striving to come to grips
with everything
that I thought was dead and gone
Am I wrong
for wishing a life much better than now
or am I just aching for another try
should I cry for things left undone
have they won
No,
I will never let anything hold
over me
I will complete my mission statement
I will force myself into reality
I will never give up my power
Ever....
Do you hear me
do you feel the words sinking deep into the pit of your soul
Don't push Me like I'm a pebble in your path
Don't lay me down and walk across me to get to the other side
I will not hide myself away so you can live out your life and never worry about me
I will not give way to your complexities and tortured oblivion
I will stand infront of you and force you to see me as I am
Stop playing me for a fool
I know you....
Remember.
______________________________
Angst isnt a gift
its a way of life
its a power that only you know how to use
its a concept formed by a series of tragedies
mixed with the stench of refusal to let go
you know exactly what I mean
you wont present yourself in a true light
you would rather live with your conflictions
you cater to their whims
force yourself to see your surroundings
feel what you do to loved ones
don't drive yourself deeper into the blackness
just so you don't have to explain
Imagine a world without constant emotional pain
don't let it eat you alive so slowly
renounce its power over you
or you'll never get thru another night
honor yourself and others will follow
your morals are vast and hard to stand up to
don't stand there and judge
if you can't handle it yourself
stop wasting your life away
because in the end it'll bite back
and you'll lose yourself
WE don't want that to happen to you
because here's a concept you might have missed
People like us actually love you for you.
___________________________________________________

Sci Fi Sex Dream...Visionary. oh yeah. HA HA

2006-07-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

Driving down a long stretch of deserted highway in a black sleek hover craft car. The glass covered the top half and the rest was blacked out.
I was sitting in the driver's seat. Infront of Me was a curved down keyboard with keys pushing down like a typewriter but not as heavy. No screen, so I couldn't see if I was typing correctly.

I look in My side view, catching a glimpse of another futuristic all black tinted car following Me. I would catch visions of a dark male figure sitting in its backseat. His eyes were covered with virtual reality glasses. From what I gathered, everything I typed became images for him to enjoy.

As we went along, two sci fi looking motorcycles came up on either side of Me. They were carrying papparazi. Cameras tried to zoom into what I was typing, mouthing that I had a celebrity watching it and they demanded thru the glass that I allow them to see.

That's when I heard "his" voice say, "Please don't let them"; it came from within My mind. I replied, "Don't worry, I'm damn good at this" and laughed wickedly. The papparazi became frustrated and drove off.

Once they were gone, both cars stopped. I was invited to join the mysterious male in the back. I snuck in and found to My surprise, Maynard James Keenan(lead singer of Tool and A Perfect Circle) leaning against the thick black leather cushion. He motioned for Me to sit behind him as he slid forward.

He took the virtual glasses off, tossing them to the side...flipping his deep red and black hair away from the back of his neck, stripped and laid backward against Me. Then he begged, "please type on Me, please" in that most haunting soft voice. I couldn't say no to this offer. hehehehe

I began gently tapping My fingertips all over his chest, stomach, throat..while he began squirming, moaning...grinding himself against Me. Not once did he touch himself. As I continued to write ghost like on his hot skin, his body would convulse, writhe...move like a rapturous snake against Me until finally he orgasmed so intensely the car shook while it moved.

It was so damn vibrant, real, beautiful I almost stopped breathing when I awoke satiated for the first time in a while.

Hope you all enjoyed the dream I had, because got damn I did.

LAUGHS WICKED AND LOW.

2006-07-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

30 Seconds To Mars-The Kill

I truly enjoyed this video, especially "The Shining" used as the plot. I hope you all enjoy it as well. GRINS

Seeing Through Mendacities

2006-07-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with the word "mendacity" tonight while watching, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.

The last time I enjoyed watching this film I was 23. I was in this film noir feasting phase, where I needed to absorb all sorts of intelligent thought provoking sensually explicit images and thoughts.

While doing so, I never really paid attention to that word. I was too involved in the story, elizabeth taylor and paul newman to truly seek out what the word really meant.

When I sat down here, I felt compelled to look it up and found that it means "the tendency to be untruthful". Finding that, I then completely understood what it meant in the film but also what it means in life.

I have always prided Myself on being the exact opposite. Speaking bluntly and directly has always been refreshing to others who've come to know Me. Then I began analyzing deeper.

I realized that at some point, even tho My words were truthful, My actions spoke differently. I allowed Myself to become a puppet of mendacity in order to please all parties. Yes, I know, another big SMACK of reality. They just keep on a comin', I swear. smiles

I have sat pondering, crying, depressed, heart broken countless nights during My entire adult life. Wanting to understand Myself better, trying to cope with how I f'd up. All I can do now is wait. In My life, I've apologized sincerely to a handful of people whom I still love. Trying to explain My plight and why I allow My actions to sometimes overpower My feelings/thoughts. Some have had the ability to accept My apologies and continue being very close to Me.

All I ask of Myself..Me...is to pay more attention to the world around Me and make sure that I don't hurt anyone along My life's journey. I have never intentionally tried to hurt anyone ever. I hope that in time everyone who knows Me and loves Me realizes this.

Now, as for the beautiful sketch you see at the right. It was created for Me by a long time submissive friend, Chase. I wanted to share with you someone who has done just that with Me. Who saw Me for Me and wanted to show others of My strength, power, seduction, etc. He has many other drawings and story board type paintings that he's done in the past. Thank you Chase. I miss you and hope that the art institute isn't kicking your ass too hard, that was supposed to be My job lol but I'm sure your long time g/f now fiancee is doing that for Me. smiles

Cheers.

A New Idea Out Of A Plethora

2006-07-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

I wish to share with all of you, what I'm considering. This entry is in regards to a site I happened upon yesterday morning.
www.delanobound.com

I was inspired to write to Delano and he responded in kind shortly after.
This is what transpired:

Dear Delano,

I wish to thank you.

I was compelled to truly look at your photographic journey, not just to amuse myself as I perused. You have given me an insight into a world I only heard about and have wanted to enter.

I have been a Domina for over ten years and have trained submissive men in almost every type of scene. I learned how to use various forms of bondage but never had the opportunity to delve into the world of Rope.

Most submissive men that I've encountered have admitted to me that they feel too vulnerable or not strong enough to handle such an intense scene with rope.

You have helped me see this in a different light. Perhaps I should find someone who desires to be truly bound and who is on a more spiritual path.

Thank you again for opening my eyes to another plane.

Sincerely,

Miss Natosha
___________________________

Miss Natosha,

Thank you very much for your kind words and for visiting my site; sometimes it seems like I'm doing this in a vacuum but getting e-mail such as yours lets me know that there are people I'm reaching. I am honored that you feel DeLano Bound has helped give you new perspectives and insights.

With regards to your desire to explore rope bondage, my suggestion is that if you aren't familiar with the physical techniques and safety issues, find someone to teach you. As you grow in your skill and in your understanding of your own intent for your rope, you'll attract the right bottom. It sounds a little "woo-woo" but I'm finding that to be true for me on both ends of the rope. Just remain honest with yourself about your intent and your desire and it will all come together.

Most kind regards,

DeLano

Sometimes My Brother Is A Sage

2006-07-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

Getting to know oneself is the hardest thing to do when you're sitting at a computer at almost 2am. Oh, yeah, and drinking a Cranberry/peach "Peels" beverage doesn't help me either.lol

Where to begin.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Oh..
How about this?

I've learned that I'm very understanding, patient, kind, non judgemental, friendly, caring, unnerving, deep, reflective, compelling, drawn(pple are to me apparently), spiritual, complex, undefined, honest, blunt, sometimes too blunt, sensitive, insatiable, sensual as hell, Intense as Hell........

I've learned that I can be a damn good writer when I'm inspired by someone I love, something I love, something that I've come across and truly smacked me in the face reality wise.

I've learned that I need to take control of my life and quit worrying about every damn little thing that happens in Everyone else's lives. holy chit did I say that aloud on a blog?????? laughs soft to self, shaking head

you do realize that's like a huge thing for a Domina to say Aloud. But I also know that I'm a Realist...not a negative or a happy Happy positive person. I can admit things in a very blunt and "here you go, eat that F'er" way. I think that's why people are so frickin drawn to me. Well, one of the reasons anyway.

All of this brewed inside my head as I talked to my brother today. he made a lot of good points. I had to keep from dropping my jaw on several occasions. lol he was telling me how I should quit stalling in life. how I'm "too damn smart for my own good" and "why are you sitting here, when you could be having a wonderful life doing something you love?!"

he's F'n Right. ..............pisses me off.................Laughs

Of all the people in my life who give me encouragement...and you all know who you are....why is it my brother hits the nail hard on the head. how he can look right into my eyes and say this and not be worried if I jump right back at him. How I can see his concern/love in his eyes while he's saying it....and how the hell I'm so deeply affect by it.

I guess my brother has always been my reality check. probably why I don't talk to him as often as I should LOL I love living in my own world where I'm in control and all you F'ers get the hell out if you don't like it ..kind of attitude. Then he comes saunterin up and says this to me point blank. Dammit! lol

So...now my brain is buzzing with all these thoughts and ideas because of our hours long discussions today while he painted the house. Yes, he would stop in mid stroke of brush and say something like, "Hey, if he's a good guy...he'll be there for you no matter what...but if he's not..I'll hunt him down and beat his ass" with that knowing smirk on his face and his finger pointing directly at me from across the porch. LOLOL My brother rocks. There's no doubt about that.

So I say...thank you bro...as always...for making sure to snap me back into reality and making me think once again. I love ya.

Why Do I Have To Be Superwoman?!

2006-07-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

duh duhduh DAH....hiiiiiiiiiiii....
here I come to save your asssssss....
yes! I will never play stupid female mind games with you....
I will sense your every desire and take advantage...
I will kill off all your demons and make your mind My castle! duh duhduh DAhhhhhhh LAUGHS
That's How I feel right now at this very moment.

black suede cape....leather cool mask...corset and thigh high heel boots ..holding a whip in one hand... Wouldn't this be a perfect generalistic visual of what a Domina Super Woman would look like? I mean, how perfect is that I tell ya.

My villians would be ....well, think about it. hehe

I could use My powers of quick wit, sadistic charm, and hey, A whip...why not. I could soar thru the sky and crush the oppressive villians with My boots! I could dissolve them with My piercing stare!

I am Domina Super Woman...no other can defeat Me~~~

What......yes, I'm in a weird F'd up mood. I have gotten some sleep.....What! So, I created that character out of no where. I'm a writer, ffs...lol

WHAT???!!! Why are you all shaking your heads and giggling like mad children? humph....Fine, the next time you need Me, remember, I'm only a thought away. (BEEP. Miss Natosha's mind is away right now, but if you leave a polite message She May get back to you as soon as She feels like it...otherwise...bugger off.) LAUGHS HARD

For All Who Know Me

2006-06-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

This is a response to a very interesting quick witted Miss Syl. I found her link thru another blog that I read off and on:
www.sexeteria.blogspot.com

Dear Miss Syl,

I found your blog very informative and truly worth reading. I happened upon your link thru AAG.

I am always learning about human sexuality/sensuality and the psychological rammifications. I have been a student of this for many years. Thru many real life experiences, trials and tribulations, I've come to understand myself.

I now consider myself a domina and have been teaching/training men for ten years. I try to instill a rebellious view about BDSM, sex/sensuality in men's minds. I have never been one to go with the mainstream way of thinking, even with other dommes. I feel that they usually misrepresent the power exchange and show men that they are not responsible for their actions. Meaning, for example, allowing a submissive man to act out in any way he wishes only to be punished by being spanked, etc. This will only give the man a sense of being treated like a child and see the Domme as an extension of his mother/nurturer. It doesn't solve the problem.

As far as blow jobs are concerned...smiles
I have always enjoyed giving them. Basically, I see it as a way to express my sensual feelings for that person, to see him in utter abandon, giving in to me on many levels in that moment. To completely trust me. To some, it would be seen as a "power trip". That you can control a man by merely sucking his cock/changing rhythm...orgasm control/denial. I see it as a beautiful act.

I agree that media, society, etc give a twisted view on sexuality. If we had more individuals creating sensual porn, ads, etc we could then give a better vision of what both men and women want. Maybe one day soon, I can add to that with my writings and film making.

Thank you again for your insight and intelligence on the matter. I hope to read more of your views very soon.

Miss Natosha

Birthday Bliss

2006-06-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo!!
Birthdays have never been so sweet and lustful before!
Wow. Simply Wow.

Yeah, have you ever spent the entire day/evening with the person you have always wanted? I mean, truly soaked them in. Found new and excruciatingly beautiful ways to sensually torture them?

Ahhhhh I did....sweet sweet rapture. muwahahahahaha
One of those defining moments when you realize.........there's more.

How could it possibly be, you think to yourself. But it's true!
I am still in heaven, hovering about the clouds. Hell, I'm not even looking down to see how everyone else has it. lol I'm too busy having lovely flashbacks pour into Me.

Dammit, I forgot to take photos. LAUGHS WICKEDLY

Oh well...there's always a next time. Sorry kittens.

Do you always feel

2006-06-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

I have chosen to write this morning in regards to something I just read.

Sometimes it's okay to dislike or feel aggrivated by circumstances beyond your control. Infact you can feel a constant grating of anger/frustration and not know how to express except when writing a story. A redirecting of these feelings into a story is very cathartic.

I also know that what I'm speaking of is very healthy for you. I will never hold any ill will towards you because I'll always love and care about you whatever mood you are in.

I want you to know that I miss you greatly and wish I could talk to you more often like I used to. I'll try more, for that I'm sure of. I never want you to assume that I'm totally ignoring you or pushing you away in any way, shape or form. you know who you are.

Startling Revelations

2006-05-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know its been a damn long time since Last I updated...but with good reason. AHEM

This young beautiful creature in this picture, you know, angel from the earlier story inspiration...is now My True Love, the one I will be with for the rest of My life.

I keep having to pinch Myself damn near every day. Realization is setting in. Before it was like I was in this sensual fog. I knew I had feelings for him, expressed them..etc. etc...but after the last visit in Fargo, All of it sunk in deep into the pit of My soul. he's Mine, he's not running away, he's true to everything he ever said to Me.

Background so that all of you can understand why I am thinking like this:
I have been a Domina for almost ten years now. I have been thru every situation with a submissive in every sense up until now. I have dealt with lying, promising, disappearing, fear/rejection(submissive feeling that way), wives, g/fs, other Mistresses who don't treat their subs well and Me having to save the subs from dangerous relationships....and the list goes on and on. I have maybe had 4-5 real long term relationships with subs and even at that they became more friends after a period of two years because they always lived too far away or were too wrapped up in their lives to give their entire selves to Me.

Then there was Victor. yeah...My first boyfriend and now Ex fiance. I met him in the midst of all this in 1999. We were great together. Alot of things in common...personalities seemed to click automatically. It wasnt perfect but it was beautiful for the first year. He experimented, tried to be submissive. His defiant behavior reared its ugly head once I moved down to san antonio. Then it was Me going out to explore more because I was fed up with having to push him. he always knew about My others and never complained. Maybe if he would have and asked to be more a part of My sexual life, I wouldnt have continued with the others.

After the break up...
I found that alot of My so called friends were acting odd. Brad went from "oh yes I'd love to have you move here and be with me and only me" to disappearing a few months later. I dont know if he's alive or dead. No phone number to contact, nothing.
I had a few other subs disappear entirely because oh god! Mistress is single and wants COMMITMENT! yeah. wtfe. Apparently they didn't know Me at all or didn't pay attention.
Then in February I got to know Idaho. I was so happy to connect with someone genuine. I truly felt we had a connection and I could read him like a book. We got along great. he was very open minded over the phone, we made plans to move in together and he was about to visit Me when....
drum roll please...

Angel appeared one night in My chat room hangout. Angels Torn Fate to be exact. All the other Dommes thought he was a "female slave" at first because I've never known a man to use the name Angel but for some reason when he first spoke in the room, I knew. I had this surge of electricity rip thru My spine into My brain. I sat upright so quick I nearly hit the floor. LOL he didnt know about this but probably will now.lol

After that I remained calm. Spoke to him for about two hours online, we had alot of the same interests, fetishes, etc. he was asking for guidance and it was just the way he acted/asked that showed Me just how genuine and real he was. All other subs seem to do the same thing as if read the wrong handbook, "how may i serve You", "can i be Your slave", "ASL", "hey are you really that evil, show me"...blah blah..yeah thats worn out.

Angel and I became very close in a Very short period of time. It was as if (yes the old cliche) we knew each other forever. We have this great communication, this fire inside that never seems to burn out..and not the quick hot flame that only lasts a while and dies...no, this was a slow churning burn that kept Me after him even while speaking to Idaho. Even while he visited, I was on the phone with angel twice that week. I couldnt get him out of My head. Normally, I would never allow that to happen when a submissive is visiting, but I thought "No, this is My life, you want to be a part of it. STFU and deal with Me doing whatever I want including being on the phone with him".

Once Idaho left..which by the way had its great moments during that week...That monday afternoon I was talking to angel on the phone...the usual.."How are ya, how's the race car coming along" and as he went on about that, with that sexy soft cooing voice..I drifted for a moment..and suddenly........WHAM!!!!!!!! in My mind....I am in love with Angel! HOLY SHIT! ITs too soon...ITs been only 6mons to the exact day damn near that I had broken My engagement with Vic. But it was very clear in My mind. I began giggling happily to the point of stopping angel in mid sentence asking "what what what the ...tell me please Miss Natosha".
I told him "are you sitting down" yes..."I...I am in Love with you, My angel". Long pause...I heard him get up and heard 'are you okay' from his spectators...he found privacy and said "You dont know how damn happy i am right now, Maam. omg. I cant stop smiling my ass off. i think i scared them" LAUGHS

So...now at this point in My life. I can see that this epiphany will not change. It's truth. I'm always seeking truth. No matter what, he'll always be here for Me. he truly loves Me for who I am not what I am or what I can do for him. he's The One I dreamed of since childhood. The young tall dark handsome figure in My daydreams. Never saw his face until ..well..now. I always thought it was to be Vic...but I was wrong...
Angel is and will always be the one....

OH and to answer a question:
I still can't believe you are Mine. I still feel I'm in a dream but now a good dream where I never wish to wake up..because you are the only person I ever will Truly Cherish and Own. you are My everything and I will never let you go. I love you angel. I am proclaiming this to the World. There's your answer. winks

Atmosphere changes in a heart beat

2006-04-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

lovely moments of non descript excitement flow thru My veins every night. I wonder what will happen? Will the skies open up and show Me its inner workings long enough to appreciate its beauty? Do we have reason to suspect its fluidity? I wonder.

This day has come. A long winding road of questions leading up to The Answer. All good things come to those who wait. I used to think that was a generalistic hallmarkian statement, but now I know better. grins

After much thought, I've decided. Now I must sit back and wait like the saying goes. Ahhhh I will see how well I can truly cope with My patience.
hehehehehee

Ah. I wish to share this beautiful photo from a T Shirt Design a long time ago. It appears at the top right of this entry. It reminds Me of depth, determination and justice. What do you think? Does it inspire you? Do leave comments, dearies.

Cataclysm 2

2006-04-06T05:15:00.000-07:00

I ate at a deliberate slow pace, allowing this beautiful man to sink deeper into My subconscious. Taking in all that he was with just his movements, mannerisms.
The way his words would run like honey. I was compelled to reach over the table many times while we finished our breakfast. Just to see what he felt like. Was he warm to the touch, was his heart beating fast under that mesh? Would he hiss or moan the first time I touch him? All these thoughts fell like a blanket over My ears for seconds at a time. I remember talking about his life. How he went thru a hard life. Always wanting to protect and care for the people he loved so much that he would lose sight of himself. Ah, a true submissive, I thought. Every word he spoke reverberated in My ears down into the pit of My stomach. It was that old familiar feeling stirring inside Me to the point of violence. Even after pushing My plate away, I listened intently. Picking up on certain phrases, reactions. I can never turn off that side of Me. The deeply analytical soul searching I do with all of My submissives. I truly enjoy absorbing information, figuring the person out. Listening between the lines of speech, reactions thru sounds and movement. As I sat there taking him in like a fine whiskey, I could see him getting more and more comfortable with Me. As if we were old friends just catching up. he eased back in the seat once he finished. Arms spreading out atop the booth as he cracked his neck without using his hands.
"Thank you for the meal, Miss Natosha" he smiled softly, his fingertips drumming gently on the leather booth. "you're ever so welcome" smiling back. My eyes narrowed slowly at his. An impish look spread across his high cheek boned face, glancing away from Me to look out the window. "It might rain, you wouldn't want to drive in this weather" I said, watching his throat once again. his fingers stopped dancing momentarily. "you think so?" he whispered, eyes peering from their corners. "I do. you wouldn't want to muss up those lovely clothes. I must say, Angel, you do have fine taste for a twenty two year old." The comment made him squirm ever so slightly against the booth. "Mmm" sucking on both lips "thank you, I think" he chuckled.
I decided it was time to make The move. I stood up abruptly, gathering My black lambskin jacket. His head followed My movement. I knew he was deciding whether or not to continue. Tenseness came rushing back into his limbs as he slowly rose, jacket in hand. Before he could speak, I cut him to the quick. "I am paying for the meal, Angel. Remember?" bouncing My brows as I walked to the cashier. he shook his head with amusement while he followed Me. I know that I'm more stubborn than most. I was guessing on the dialogue in his brain. 'This chick is so damn blunt and forward. I don't know if I can handle it. Oh well, what the hell right? you only live once and hey, I did tell Her I was single now.'
I offered a sizeable tip to the waiter and bid adue. Angel followed Me like an obedient pup, his head lowered slightly. As we passed thru the lobby again, I stopped at the desk. "Any messages for Natosha Love?" The one petite long blond with the perky breasts, beamed a smile at Me, "Yes, here it is. We have you checked in now for room 603. I hope you enjoy your stay here with Us." She handed Me a small pink sticky note and a keycard. Her eyes flashed over My head at Angel. I gave her a wink and thanked her. Turning, I caught the embarrassed yet excited look on his face. It looked as tho he was about to gnaw his lower lip off. I chuckled and took his left wrist gently in My hand. "Follow Me, dear" I said loudly. Making sure the entire lobby could hear. The two buxom blonds giggled aloud this time, causing a deepening flush across his face.
We entered the elevator almost gliding him into its confinement. I felt a surge to just slam him against its walls and ravage, again I fought back the primal urge. Keeping Myself composed. My smile was minimized, trying not to give away any hint of what I was planning. he clutched the jacket against his chest. I could hear his boot lightly tapping on the thin marble tile. I turned to My right, glancing up at him. his eyes were half closed, intent on watching the numbers climb. I didn't say a word to him the entire trip up the shaft. When the doors open, I simply stepped out and gingerly walked down the long hallway. I could hear his boots clipping on the floor as he followed slowly. "Here we go, 603" I pointed with a wicked grin, slipping the card. The door opened with an audible Click. I stood near the walk way, narrow eyeing stare. he took a few deep breaths, playing with his jacket. Listening to his truck keys jingle in the pocket. he was sizing up his new situation. Should he go inside or bolt? The keys signified this. Then he deeply looked into My eyes for a full moment without a word said. I allowed him to, knowing the feelings washing all over him. he gave a soft sigh thru his nose and stepped past Me, thru the entrance. Ah! Yes. So far so good, I thought. Closing the door behind Me and adding the extra bolt lock twist. The sound made him shiver as he stood infront of the maple wood entertainment center, eyes fixated at the open curtained window.
"Set your jacket on the table, Angel" I said firmly. he winced and stepped to it, draping the jacket carefully over the chair. "Did I say the chair, Angel?" teasing tone. "No, Miss Natosha" he whispered, slipping it off and resting it across the table. "Much better, dear. Come here." I commanded in a gentle voice. he turned reluctantly, mustering up movement and walked towards Me, head bowed slightly. his fingers fidgeted against the sides of his hips. "Let Me get a good look at you" I whispered softer, walking around him slowly. My blue eyes were piercing as I examined painstakingly slow. his chest puffed a little, pushing the silver nipple piercing outward into the mesh more. I gently pushed his hands away from his body. Every touch was electric in the sunlit room. Even his shadow was alluring as it swept across the floor and onto the bed. "Why do you think you are here, Angel?" I said a bit louder, wicked smile growing as I continued to circle him. My predatory instincts kicking in medium gear. he shrugged, trying to make words that wouldn't come. his lips contorted for a few seconds, clearing his throat several times. "I don't know. You just seem so, enigmatic. So confident. I just couldn't help myself, I guess. I feel like I'm in a trance, Miss Natosha." his fingers wiggled helplessly in the air near his hips.
I sought out the first vulnerable spot. I saw it plain as day. Reaching up quietly from the right side of him, My fingertips brushed under his pony tail and gently dragged against his neck. A shudder passed thru him, eyes rolled half way. Lashes fluttered in abandon. "Thank you, Angel" I whispered near his upper arm as I balanced Myself on toes. My small hand clasped onto his warm neck, causing him to jerk and let out a small moan. "Have you ever been with a true Domina, Angel?" he shook his head, "No, Miss I have not. I've dreamt about it but..." he trailed off feeling My fingers and palm rub into his flesh. "But you have been so used to being the protector, the provider that you lost sight of that dream for a long time, correct?" he nodded, his whole body trembling gently now. I could feel the soft hum of his body in My hand. "Don't worry, Angel. I would never deliberately harm you. I will take it slow and easy. you are too luscious to ruin" I hissed under My breath. he bit hard on his lip almost causing it to bleed as I ran My palm down his spine. his eyes rolled deep for a few seconds, head leaning back. I kept My hand on his lower back. "Take your hair tie out, Angel" I ordered. Slowly he reached up and pulled it out allowing his deep hair to spill onto his shoulders, shaking it slightly. Ah, he looked like a wolf with that hair and those features. I pushed the growl down into My chest, controlling My breath. "God, you are..." I trailed off, grinning.
I slid My hand away causing him to almost whimper, as tho it pained him not to feel Me. "Do you feel trust with Me, Angel?" I whispered as I continued My circling. "Yes I do, Miss Natosha" he whispered thru his tightening lips. I beamed a smile from behind him, "Good. I'm pleased to hear that, dear" I purred near his back. Another shiver coursed thru his body, this time he couldn't fight back the low moan that welled deep inside his chest. It sounded like a form of release searing thru his muscles. Gently I slipped My hands under the mesh shirt, guiding it up to his shoulder blades, "Arms raised" I ordered. Within seconds I removed the shirt, folding and resting it ontop of his jacket. I could feel the heat coming off his well defined body. It was like staring at a living work of art.
I found Myself brushing fingertips everywhere on his back, chest, arms, stomach in this long winding path. It seemed every fiber of his being flexed, shook. Teetering on the edge, his knees began weakening. At this point, he couldn't close his mouth. I could hear soft wisps of hot staggering breath. I rested My hand against his left nipple and felt his heart beating in sticcato. "Kneel" I commanded. his knees gave way and dropped hard on the carpet causing him to wince and moan. "Good boy, Angel" I nodded, satisfied with the instant reaction. "Head slightly down, eyes lowered, hands behind your back and keep it" pats shoulder blades "Straight". Slowly he brought himself into position, his breathing becoming ragged. I knew his mind was whirring with millions of broken questions not knowing what to do but to just submit.
I paced infront of him, glancing at his throat as it bobbed. "Are you thirsty, Angel?" he cleared his throat a few times, "Yes, Miss." I walked into the bathroom and came back with a glass of water. Stopping infront of him, I slipped My fingers under his chin. "Ask nicely and maybe you'll get a sip" I teased. he licked his dry lips and pondered for a second, "Miss, may i please have a sip of Your water?" My eyes shined. "you may, Angel." I tilted the glass to his lips and watched intently as he sipped, listening to him swallow. "Good boy" I whispered down, rubbing under his chin. A soft contented sigh drifted out of him.
For a moment, I kept My hand under his chin. Knees shifted on the carpet as he gradually became accustomed to the possessive feel. "I am enjoying Myself so far, Angel" I hissed softly down. his shoulders rolled once, body adjusting. "i'm happy you are, Miss" I barely heard in the quiet hotel room. I leisurely tipped his head way back, revealing the soft skin under his chin. Gliding fingertips down, caressing with the lightest of touches. his lips barely opened, but I could see his jaw clenching. "Oh so tense, aren't you My dear" I purred low. I could see his arms stiffening, right hand gripping his left wrist tight. "How are you feeling right now, Angel?" An intrigued sound in My voice echoed in the small room. his chest rose and fell heavier while he tried to find the words, "Nervous, excited, almost overwhelmed, Missssss" he hissed thru teeth.
I firmly gripped his jaw and pressed, watching as the corners relaxed enough to open. "That's a good boyyyyy...open a little widerrrrr" his breath sounded like heavy gusts of wind, eyes trying not to look at Me. Instead he focused on the white plaster ceiling. I tipped the glass once again, trickling water onto his tongue, listening to the slight choking sound as he tried to keep up the swallowing pace. "Good boyyyyy, just a little morrrrrre. There." Last few drops striking his lower lip. I could feel his sexual tension burning under his skin. Tiny jerking motions began to appear in every muscle. "you learn quick for a newbie" I teased with a cat like smile.
he tried to nod, but I wouldn't let him. Showing him how much power I had over him at that very second. I may have small hands, but I know how to use every ounce of controlled strength in those delicate fingers. I set the glass down on the entertainment center. Revelling in the moment, I bent down and hovered My nose near his. he began to visibly shake like a leaf. "you are Mine now, boy. you will learn to please Me in any way I wish. you will not leave this room until I say so. Is that clear, Angel" I hissed low near his opened mouth. he managed to mumble, "yes Miss". I felt as tho I was literally holding him up by his jawline. A most intense feeling to know you can control a man by a solid grip, a stare, a motion, and especially a word. Just one word.
I released his jawline and he almost fell forward, catching himself by sheer endurance. "All fours. Now" snapping My fingers and pointing to the floor. Down he went in a flash, smacking his palms on carpet. Head hanging. Hair encasing his face like a mask. "Crawl in slow motion around the room. Amuse Me, boy" I growled, stepping out of the way and planting Myself in the chair. I knew his eyes followed My movement, ears perking. Carefully, he moved about the room like a slinking leopard. his breathing more apparent. "Very nice. Can you purr as well?" I coaxed, crossing My legs. Low vibrating purrs emenated from his throat as he continued the slow crawling pace. Revelling in the sound, I rubbed My jean covered knees together. "So sensual aren't you, pretty boy" I teased louder. I knew he was blushing more by spying the back of his neck. he crept towards Me, head lowering as he brushed it against My leg. "ohhhh really now" I whispered, reaching down. My fingers sought the back of his hair, gripping firmly. A moan echoed. "you like that, eh?" Jerking once, he didn't pull away, staying his ground. "Very good" I chided. his head swooned in My grasp. "Yes, very lovely" I mused. Dropping My leg on the other side of him, I pulled hard at his hair, causing him to almost fall under My chair. "Up" I growled, pulling tighter. his back arched with the motion, struggling back into position. "Good boy."
Pushing his face down to My black leather boot, I dragged his lips along its curves. his breath became short hard rasps. "Ah, you love women's boots. Good. I enjoy making a boy kiss, fondle, lick, and adore them" I said matter of factly, making his skin crawl in the process. "Kiss" I commanded, large handful of hair guiding him down more. I heard the audible press of lips, breath sounding almost painful now. "Lick. Only the top edges, Angel." Releasing his hair, I stroked thru the slight knots. he purrred low in response, lavishly licking leather. "I want it to shine, boy" a firm tone. "Yes, Miss" he almost weezed. Hair pooling around My boot as he licked in heavy flat motions. I could see his fingers curling into the tan carpet, the way he was struggling not to squirm on all fours, and fighting back the urge to moan helplessly. "Lift your head, lets see your progress" I clicked My tongue. "No. Not good enough. Continue" I hissed, holding back the urge to laugh at the expression on his face. Wide eyed innocent confused look betrayed his strength. "But it is shining Miss..." a smack! echoed throughout the room. A pink mark formed between his shoulder blades. Astonished hazed eyed Angel dropped his face back down and began licking harder flatter more vigorously. he put his whole body into it, rocking with each stroke of his long tongue. "Now that's what I mean, effort" I teased in a wicked tone. he shuddered and gasped as his tongue ravaged My boot.
After a few more minutes, I told him to lift his head again. he did so, this time not looking up at Me. his whole body stiffened, awaiting perhaps another swat of My hand. Nothing landed. "Good boy, much better."

2006-04-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Angel. The inspiration for this story.

Cataclysm.

I'd been driving for what seemed like an eternity. The slow drift of cars passing by felt hypnotic. I was wondering if I'd ever get to My destination.

It was one of those exhausting days where everything went in slow motion. I made My way down the interstate wishing something, hell anything, exciting would happen.

"Pop!" The front tire blew and I gripped the wheel, trying not to go into the ditch. "Shit! Great. Freaking brilliant. This is not what I meant about excitement" I bitched aloud. I carefully stopped at a dirt road turn off, feeling My heart slam against My chest. After I took a few deep breaths to calm My nerves, I tapped in the Auto club number into My cell. BeepBeepBeep. "Oh for heaven sake" I muttered under My breath, "Just what a freakin need." I tossed the cell across the passenger seat and observed My surroundings. Ok. So I'm on I94 near Fargo. At least I'm not in San Antonio at eight a.m. again. That was an event to say the least, but no cars were stopping to see if I was alright.

From a long distance up the highway stretch, I could see a dark truck slowing, then driving across the ditch directly to Me. The plates were North Dakota. Oh thank god, a friendly person I hope. The vehicle pulled up infront of Mine. I watched intently, biting My lower lip, as I peered into the tinted back glass. Hmmmm. Definitely a male. No one else inside.

I opened My door, stepping out into the cold morning air. Leaning against My car, I eyed the tall strong young man getting out with a half jump. His long black pony tail swished and I felt My body hum in sudden excitement. "Hi. Are you okay? Do you need some assistance?" he asked in this soft sensuous voice, his eyebrow raising as he stepped carefully towards My car.

My legs tried to move but I was obviously planted to the asphalt. "Hmmm..umm..yes, tire blew out. Almost went directly into the deep ditch. Lucky I was taught to never freak out." A cat smile broke out on My face. This action seemed to cause a halt in his step. His piercing eyes flickered along My face and then as if painfully, glanced at the tire.

His whole demeanor changed. Nervously, he bent at the knees, crouching to look at the tire in such a way that it made Me cross My arms tight under My large breasts against the leather jacket. Biting My lower lip hard, I heard My CD player blasting inside the car. The song was too perfect for this very moment. "Thinking of you" by A Perfect Circle.
A tribal deep chanting rock song. "Sweet revelation" Keenan sang.
Oh God help Me, I chuckled under My breath. The young man glanced up at Me curiously. A flash of a curled smile came across his face as his long fingers traced along the curve of the tire.

"So, ummm...would you like me to help you with umm the tire, Maam?"
his voice broke at Maam. he cleared his throat. "Sure, I mean that would be very submissive of you." Did I say that?

his shoulders squeezed as he tried to shake off the comment, but the smile gave away the thought in his head. "Ok, let me get everything in order and I'll be right back." his eyes stayed lowered, as if he couldn't look up at Me. his long body moved languidly. Every little movement he made from that moment on was scrutinized. I couldn't keep My blue eyes off of his form and I knew he could feel My eyes burning thru his thick black leather jacket into his chest.

Thoughts erupted in My mind. What if I just nabbed this boy in broad daylight? Took him to the hotel room in Fargo that I was aiming for?
Cajoled and sensually coerced him into a scene? My brown wild curls trapped within the confines of My blue jeans were soaked. I had to keep moving My thighs slowly acting as tho I was cold just so I didn't attack him right then and there.

he finished changing the tire in record time as if he's done this expertly before. Five mins flat. Damn. I'd never seen a guy do that so well. Before I realized it, he was standing infront of Me. his height caught My attention. Had to be about six two and not overly muscular. he was struggling for words, his fingers dug into his tight jeaned pockets, biting on his lower lip in thought or...was it nervous excitement?

"Umm..hmm..mm.."sucking soft on his lower lip "where ya headed, if I may be so bold to ask?" his stunning eyes shifted but never aimed at My face. "I'm on My way to Fargo for a ...hehehe...conference yeah thats it." Wicked laughter. "Radisson. I bet you know where that is, right dear?"

his motorcycle boot kicked at an imaginary rock on the road. "Uh yeah, I do. Just inside Fargo almost right off the ramp. It's a nice place. You'll
like it." I savored every second of his fidgeting. Then a thought came to Me.

"you've been so kind to help a Lady out. I would be very appreciative if you would show Me the way to the hotel. you know, make sure another tire doesn't blow out." A low laugh crawled up My throat. his fingers dug deeper into the pockets, shoulders going up around his neck. "I uhhh...can do that, sure..." I cut him off, "and I will not take no for an answer, I'd like to buy you breakfast as a way of paying you back."

his hips shifted, eyes sparkling under the dark lashes. "you don't have to do that, I mean, a chivalarous man doesn't expect anything back for his deeds." Ohhhhh an intelligent male, perfect. "Understandable, but like I said, I will not take no for an answer. Now, do get in your truck and I'll follow." The order seemed to cause a jolt of electricity throughout his body. he moved automatically to his truck door, jumping in.

The next ten minutes were a blur. My eyes fixated on the back of his head in the truck. Thoughts swimming inside Me like a tornado stuck in a lake, spewing water violently up into the air. Everything inside was telling Me to go for it. My intuition screamed into every nerve ending. This boy. This beautiful exotic creature is Mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We arrived in the busy parking lot of the hotel. People moving in a hum drum state of mind. But I was dead set on getting this boy into the room.
I began planning immediately. This was just too good to pass up.

I pulled up alongside his truck and watched as he got out. Nervously, he walked up to My door, leaning down slightly to the window as I rolled it down. "Which restaurant did you want to go to, Maam?" his voice again cracked at the word Maam. Yes, he definitely was submissive. Opportunity rang in My ears. "I thought perhaps the hotel's. I hear they have a fine menu."

As I opened the door, he gripped the window edge holding it open for Me.
Ah ha! Another sign. Most normal people would just see it as a polite gesture and nothing more. I, on the other hand, see everything in a different perspective. Askewed, if you will. Every gesture, motion, word is calculated, processed and tallied up. Like a scientific Domina doing a research project on male sexual behavior.

I walked two steps infront of him as we stepped into the hotel lobby. Eyes slowly glanced and rested on us as we passed the desk. The two prim and properly dressed blond women whispered and giggled behind it. Probably making those little female comments. 'did you see that gorgeous guy with her. why would he be with her?' I just smirked.
What they don't know, will never sink in. I may not look like a super model or actress...or hell a cheerleader for that matter, but I possess the "innocent friendly pretty...no never she's not evil but she truly IS" look.

I have a major advantage. I know what men seek. I know how to project oozing sensuality without coming off as a slut or distant. Basically, men feel compelled to tell Me their most inner secret desires and know that I'll bring them to life.

We ended up sitting at a booth just inside the small bar/restaurant. I watched as he slid off his jacket with ease. Automatically slipping his fingers thru his thick black hair and redoing the hair tie. My mind was reeling with images of gripping and jerking at that hair hard, forcing him down on his knees and taking what I wanted. I heard a small sigh escape My throat.

his eyes flicked up at Me for a split second, stopping midway thru retying his hair. That upward under eyebrows look. I had to hold back a deep purrrr. My legs crossed tight under the table. Oh, he has weaponery.
"May I suggest a light breakfast? Perhaps a few pancakes with strawberry syrup?" I heard the waiter say. "Yeah, that's fine. he'll have the same and can you bring him a cup of coffee. I'll have an ice cold coke."

The young man's eyebrows raised so high I thought they were about to take flight. his lips were slightly opened, holding his breath. The shocked look on his face was priceless. "How did you know that's what I wanted?" he finally spoke. his hands playing with the wrapped silverware. "I just had a hunch" I teased. he shook his head in a somewhat shocked motion.

"Now, would you kindly tell Me your name, dear. It's only fair to know My knight in shining armor's title." Laughter creeped up softly in Me. That smile again, the curling animilian motion. "Everyone calls me Angel" he whispered, his piercing eyes fixed on the task of folding the napkin over and over on the table.

"Angel. Very appropriate for such a fine specimen." My voice in a steady soft slow tone. he shifted in the seat, shoulders rolling gently as his fingers fumbled with the spoon. "Do you always help women on the interstate or am I the first maiden?" My short clear fingernails drummed a rhythm on the oak. "Umm.."anxious chuckle "yeah, I suppose you are the first mmmmaiden I've aided in quite some time" he retorted with a feverish grin.

"Tell Me, Angel" his body almost rolled at the sound of his name coming off of My lips, "Do you have to work this morning? It would be such a waste if I didnt spend a bit more time with you after breakfast." his dark eyes flashed up at Me, full of shocked curiousity. his teeth kept playing with his lips as he thought long and hard.

"I uhhh..." he cleared his throat a few times, glancing around the restaurant. his face went from soft pale to flush of red, chest heaving against the black mesh shirt. I could see the right nipple piercing clearly and it made Me want to reach across the table and yank on it just to get that gasping reaction I so desire. I refrained tho, better to wait until the right moment.

"I don't work today, no. Exactly what are you asking of me, M...umm whats your name please?" he stretched his neck side to side, eyes stealing glances. "Natosha. I want to spend time with you. Get to know you perhaps. you seem like a deep sensual soul. I can see the passion beating under your skin." My eyes were hovering at his adams apple. I watched as he swallowed hard several times. The way his chin lifted each time. How his lower lip just ever so slightly quivered with My last word.

"But you...don't even know me, Natosha. What if I were a serial killer, psycho, perv...I mean. How do you know I wouldn't cause ...." his voice trailed off as the waiter brought the food to the table. After he was done setting us up and walked away, I whispered "I have damn good intuition when it comes to men. Call it what you will. I didn't have that feeling on the interstate and I definitely don't have that bad feeling now."

His eyes penetrated the red seat I leaned on while he mulled over what I said. "I would love to spend some time with you, Natosha" he half whispered as he played with the dark hairs on his chin. I watched his fingertips, how they caressed thru the hair. How his nostrils were now slightly flaring with each intake of breath. How his front teeth brushed across his lip over and over.

"Good. Then it's settled. Let's eat before this gets cold and then will saunter off somewhere more...private." His eyes narrowed with a smile.
"Whatever you say, Miss Natosha."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Continuing Tomorrow. MUWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Can you really black out in a dark room?

2006-02-13T01:46:00.000-08:00

The battle is on bitches! Oh yeah.

I've been dealing with alot of stress lately and I just love it don't you when people want to add piles and piles more just to see if you can handle it?

I have been dealing with strange dreams the past two months. They keep getting weirder and weirder. Lately the main characters have been submissives, victor, "brad", zackery, anthony, you name it...whoever has been in contact with Me has been in a dream. I wake up with a migraine in My neck and My body aching. Possibly from tossing and turning so much. My mom told Me one night she wouldn't go to bed until I woke up because I was breathing shallow and odd. She had tried to wake Me up on several occasions during this, but couldnt. I dont even remember wtf I was seeing in My head but apparently it was bad.

The most recent dream involved victor(notice a pattern. yeah shut up.lol)

It started with a phone call in the vision. I found Myself answering the phone in a groggy voice and hearing his voice. I auto jumped up in bed and said "well at least I know you're alive!" I don't remember the short conversation but it had to do with someone we both knew and the intensity of the situation. I woke up with My hand on the phone. Yeah, weird. I checked the answering machine and no he hadnt called. It was way too real tho. It's as if he's trying to contact Me thru My dreams.
Yeah Yeah I know that sounds odd, strange, pick a descriptive word and use it. But he knows My beliefs and could be dreaming at the same time I am. It's happened with Demon and I on so many occasions. We have inner radar(yeah like the Golden Earring song).

Whenever I'm feeling really sad or low, Demon calls out of the blue and does his usual "Hey, whats up" in that milk chocolate voice, automatic smile on My face no matter how down I am.

Another person who's kept Me in good spirits has been zackery faelan.
Zack's always online at night and keeps Me company when Demon can't.
I always appreciate the candor..humor...the fact that zack puts up with alot of My crazy b.s. antics...hehehehe More so than you punks so don't get Me started! lol

Hey zack.......Burgundy. BUWAHAHA

Otherwise, I've been doing quite well. I talked with this really cool guy over the wknd. He gave Me a reason to believe that there are some really good submissives out there and not the ones who try to change you, push you constantly, lie/promise ....and so on. you get the picture. AHEM.

both zack and him have inspired Me to write a rather risque' novella.
We'll see how that goes. grins wickedly

So there, I updated. I know its been over a month but maybe I need to be reminded once in awhile by a certain someone. (you know who you are)

Love,
Queen of Mean
Sadistress Supreme
Woman with a Bullwhip LOL

Casting for an unpredictable year

2006-01-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

Life is full of wonderment.

I have been going thru alot lately. That's probably why I haven't updated for almost a month.
Especially with the holidays in effect during that quiet period of time.

I am very thankful to all involved who made My christmas and new year's eve special. Yes,
I received gifts. smiles Most importantly, tho, is being with My family and keeping in touch
with friends the whole time. It was the first christmas/new yrs without victor but I was able
to stay out of a deep depression.

My brother took Me to the local dive on main street for new year's eve. At first I was a bit standoffish, but even My parents said "go for it. Air Out ffs!" laughs So I took their advice and actually had a great time hanging out with My bro and his friends. We played so many rock songs on the new digital jukebox, so of course I was ecstatic about that. My brother played
Green Day's Holiday Alot and no one complained once. He and I would burst out into a duet
like we used to as teenagers. A couple times I had to catch Myself from crying. Not because I was sad, but so happy to feel that all over again.

We also would sing to Seether's Remedy, Nickelback's Leader of Men, Metallica's Whiskey in a Jar....okay...you name it we sang to it.lol Even Steve Earle's Copperhead Road caused My brother to air guitar with the pool stick and bounce around. Basically, he was the life of the bar.
He never once got in a verbal or physical altercation, nor did I for that matter. lol

When Midnight hit, everyone was going around proclaiming their happiness of the new year and hugging tightly. One guy in particular caught My attention. He had been glancing at Me from across the room the entire night. Good looking young designer wearing native american with this fantastic smile and presence. He was with relatives so I didn't want to impose. When he came up and hugged Me the "first" time, I was like cool. Then just before we left, he came up to Me again and said, "I know we don't know each other's names but can I get another hug?"
Like I was going to refuse. HA! I said, "Ok, on one condition, you have to tell Me your first
name." Sure enough, he proclaimed "thomas!" beamed this bright smile and hugged Me tight.

Now that its a few days into the new year, I feel compelled to slowly change the way I see everything. I'm trying to focus on the positive even in the most depressing of things. I will not let negativity control My life. I don't usually do the New Year's Resolutions so this is not a proclamation of some list that will never get done. This is just a way of thinking.

1. Write Write Write
2. Not allowing negative people or thoughts to stop Me dead in My tracks.
3. Smoking has become an annoying health problem and fixation which needs to stop on My own
terms.
4. College. Wherever I live by August, I am going part time and will be taking online courses
as well. I'm considering Business/Admin. I've always wanted to start a production company
or publishing house so I'd need to have some education/degree in order to be taken seriously.
you know how society is about that. sighs lol
5. June. If My store doesn't pick up within the next few months, I'll close it down and be able to
say I tried My best. I'm no longer going to let things drag on and on in the hopes of getting
what I want. It's stressful and exhausting to constantly hold hope when there isn't anything
to keep it going. Perhaps I'll use other methods with the items I have accumulated.
6. TRAVEL. I don't care where. I need to get out in the world and absorb. Every writer I've
ever looked up to has done this to some extent. I love My state but I need to get a firm
grip on My surroundings to add to the flavor of My writings.

There. That outta do it for now. Hehehehe

I wish you all a wonderful, awe inspiring new year and hope to meet a handful of you in
person. Love to all.

Quotes from Favorite Authors

2005-12-10T02:46:00.000-08:00

I will not be just a tourist in the world of images,
just watching images passing by which I cannot
live in, make love to, possess as permanent
sources of joy and ecstasy." ~~ Anais Nin

There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.
~~~~ Henry Miller

I truly wish I could've met and had indepth conversations with both of these enigmatic writers. Anais Nin was one of the first writers to inspire creativity in
My writing. She broke the boundaries in the facade of only men write about men. Anne Rice was another female writer who also did this for Me.

Henry Miller....
I watched this film about Anais called "Henry and June". It was then that I learned about Henry and June Miller. How Henry inspired Anais to follow her instincts. He saw her potential.

Demon did this for Me. One day I hope to inspire young erotica writers to follow their hearts like Anais, Henry, Anne, and Demon has done for Me.

Will write more soon. I'm going on an odyssey now. Will write more in detail about it.

Gettin high off the stench

2005-11-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

I really don't understand some people. I was watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent tonight. The subject of this episode was rather messed up to say the least.
It was regarding this Crematorium. Apparently the owner was NOT cremating these poor pple but instead half ass burying them behind the Building. He was taking families' money and allowing his cousin to use the DNA from the corpses to cover up Hits made on mob members. WTF.

Oh...but this isn't the worst of it, folks. Oh no...mom told Me that she heard there was a Real place like this a few years back who got caught doing this. I was speechless then angry as hell. Like we dont have enough diseases...hey! I know! lets NOT bury Or cremate...let's just make pple think we are and roll in the money. How Screwed up do you have to be to think this will work in the long run? I really dislike people sometimes. smirks

Let's see...what else is going on with Me....hmmmmm

Oh right right...
I wrote a short story. So far I've gotten some excellent reactions and good constructive criticism from Demon. He feels I have a shot at publishing it.
YAYYyyyyyyyyyyyy.....finally.lol If you want to know this story, Ask Me.

Nothing else exciting really. That's why I haven't updated in a while.
But! for those of you who actually give a damn about Me, read on. LAUGHS

On tues. I will be running out to rent Skeleton Key with Kate Hudson. I've been waiting to see this film for quite some time. It looks like it might actually be good. Sort of like the twists and turns that Should be in a film instead of already knowing exactly what's going to go down in most films I've seen. There are exceptions, however.

Everyone must see: Dirty Pretty Things
Yes Yes I know what all of you boys are thinking...but unless you just want to get your rocks off staring at Audrey Tatuu*I think that's how it's spelled*, its not the kind of film you're thinking of. It's a plot twister/thriller set in the underside of London, present day. An Independent feature made last year. Audrey was the star in Amelie, for all of you film enthusiasts. Anyway, this film will make you truly wonder. hehe

I'm half way thru ON WRITING by Stephen King. His words inspire the writer in Me. I'm realizing that I just need to allow words to flow thru Me instead of trying to sit infront of the computer and forcing Myself to write a story. Also, taking real snippets of My life and using it more constructively. For any of you who are writers, you need to pick this paperback up.

I can't think of anything else at this moment, but I will try to update more often.
I hope all My boys are behaving. I know that's a big HOPE...but a Domina has to be a positive thinker. hehehehhe yeah. This goes to you, BRAD. If you ever get your damn internet back up.

Demon, if you're reading this....I miss you terribly and the email you sent Me ...well.....the attachment didn't come thru. FIX THAT! LOL

Tomcat................PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DANCES A Spiffy steel zippo over your nose.

I See Hell In Your Eyes

2005-10-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

I crave to bathe you in perpetual red light
Raising your subconscious to sexually violent levels
studying your reactions and pushing some more
I know exactly what I'm looking for

Crumbling you
Rebuilding what's left of you
Creating something new
just to see if you'll pull thru

Scavanger
acknowledging danger
discovering the monster inside
conquering what you try to hide

you're a conflicting emotion
you're an itched that needs scratching
you're a great piece of ass
you're the absolute epitomy
you'll never get away from Me
you belong to Me.

Spewing of Frustration

2005-10-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

you wish you were here
yeah you fuckin wish you were here
you repeat yourself too damn many times
you fuckin whine
oh please no
please don't go
please i'll do ANYTHING....

Next day
its all the same
no call
no letter
nothing better
to do with My time
then live thru this bullshit
for another twentyfour hrs

Stop trying to walk on Me
I'm not a welcome mat
I'm full of heart
I'm falling apart
with every lie
that you feed into My fire

you wish
you hope
you love
you know
you always know

you cause tears to flow
streaming down my tired face
you cause tremors
in my muscles
everywhere I turn
you're there in my head

Stop using Me
stop abusing My trust
stop confusing Me
your incessant babbling
is pushing Me to the edge

you wish
you want
you beg
you crawl
for an hour

you lose your mind
your cock takes over
all that's left
is a mumbling mess of orgasm
leaving Me with nothing
but a moaned goodnight
see you soon
gotta go
gotta get up
gotta jerk off again without you
gotta turn and kiss my wife goodnight
gotta be a DICK
Gotta lick the spit
off my cock....
nice to know you
never knew you
suck me soon
tudalu.
how about this boy
FUCK YOU.

White flakes cause havoc

2005-10-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

Okay. The reason I haven't been writing in My blog for the past two days:

FREAK SNOW STORM IN MIDWEST!

Yeah. I was without power or heat for almost 36hrs. It was challenging to say the least.
My mom and I became very resourceful. We were so damn happy that we owned nothing but Unscented candles. Each candle gives off 1 degree of heat. I wonder how many pple know this?
I didn't until mom told Me.

We kept ourselves occupied by playing chinese checkers, a card game called Casino, and finding new ways to heat up food! Yes, My mom is the coolest. She found this chaffing dish/structure that can hold a candle underneath. It took one hour just to warm up water for tea. Then My brother told us over the phone that the sterma or durma containers have kerosene in them with a wick...they last for six hours...but can also heat up food and water faster! Thank you sweet jesus. smiles We ate pork and beans, grilled cheese sandwiches, and oatmeal.

Today, we decided to walk to the convenience store. This is 3/4 mile trek considering the long wide bend. We layered ourselves with clothing and coats. Stepped outside. Lo and behold, it was freakin warmer outside then inside. A Quarter of the way there, a nice guy stopped and offered us a ride. We got our cigarettes and some soda. Found out the reason why the power wasn't on yet...was bec. a transformer had blown. The city had ordered a new one and we had to possibly wait until tomorrow bef. it was fixed.

We made our way back slowly considering spots were still icy. All the while, stupid pple were flying by us almost splashing us with icy water. I yelled a few times at them..." you scheevy shister bastards!! I'll remember your faces when you come to My store!! I will RAISE the damn prices instead of lower em just for you!!!" My mom almost fell from laughing so hard. She said I looked like a penguin with an anger management problem. smiles wickedly

One thing I forgot to mention, before we went down the hill, we noticed that half of our trees were damaged from the storm. We managed to pull out a few limbs from the snow to help the trees go back to shape. I fell on My ass once and mom said I had this maniacal laugh. She was happy we got out of the house or she was afraid I would've lost My marbles all pent up. heh

At about 3pm mdt, I was in a cold stupor curled up on the sofa. My mom came out of the office and screamed happily, " POWER!!! WE HAVE POWER!!!" I snapped out of it and noticed the hall light was on. "YES OH SWEET JESUS POWER!!" We did our little dance and turned on the space heaters. Of all the things I did first.....sighs...I couldn't stand seeing dishes sitting. I actually washed freakin dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Cooked HOT food and boiled water. I know...exciting eh. I don't care. I was happy and still am. hehe

In all of this, I truly enjoyed spending time with My mom. It was like we were back on the farm and I was a kid again. Our family has a history of surviving black outs and snowed in days. It's in our blood. Infact, the best times with My family was/is when we worked as a team.
I remember the Blizzard of 84 when both My grandmothers, brother, mom, dad, and I were stuck in the trailor for about a week. It was a rare occasion for Me to spend quality time with My dad's mom. She taught Me how to play shadow puppets. I'll never forget.

So yes....I've had a very strenuous, crazy, sort of exciting few days. And even tho I was cold, I will treasure this week.
______________________________________________________

In other news....
E. got a new puppy! she was hoping for a tea cup pup but got a small dog....can't think of its name...I'm sure she'll be happy to tell Me next time we speak. It's a girl, I know that. I also know that her dog buddy and her cat spice are not too happy with the new addition. Buddy tried to hump the poor dog on several occasions even tho he's fixed. lol I think its that whole territorial thing.

Demon's off on yet another adventure in Mass. I wonder if he'll meet up with any witches or goblins while he's there. He'd feel right at home.lol Can't wait to hear what occured on this trip. Hopefully not as eventful as the last. shakes head

Tomcat did the Thesis!!! A+ Congrats!!! you cute wittle fur ball. lol

Brad still doesn't get it. he had better call Me by the end of this week or he's on My doo doo list indefinitely. Phones worked while the power was out so...there's no excuse. ffs

The Gentleman is on a "nature" excursion. he's called Me a few times while there. he's concerned about My health. he thinks My coughing fit was brought on by smoking, when in reality a DAMN BUG flew into My mouth causing Me to hack for ten mins. men. always assuming shit. I'm FINE NOW thanks for your concern. lol

well that's about it for today. I hope all is well with all of you.
and......
Stay on My good side or meet Sin. if you dont know what that means.....I dare you to ask.
MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa!!!!!!

And Now For Something Completely Different

2005-10-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

Last time I saw you
rains poured
winds raged
in My heart

Last time I spoke to you
snakes wound around My ankles
fruit fell from trees
forbidden languages whispered
in My ears

Last time I touched you
forests swayed
animals danced
torrents ripped thru the sea

Will I ever know those feelings again
or be left with the aching memories.

___________________________________________________

Why are you always right
is it some kind of need
pushing away the ones you love
as if it solves anything

I'm tired of waiting
feels like mental monotonous masturbation
stroking but never really feeling
frustrated
angry
wanting something to happen
nothing ever does

I wish just once
you would've listened to me
truly soaked in my feelings
instead of squandering

now you sit there listless
contemplating nothingness
giving up on our dreams
all because you say you can't handle this
need to be needed

I miss you
I love you
Don't die on Me.

Is this politically correct enough for ya....hehe

2005-10-01T02:52:00.000-07:00

Let's see....what's been going on that I can share with the....masses.

My store is still slow but sure. I received more items, priced em, put em up. Now I just have to wait for customers. Yes, that's just so exciting. I'm like pavlov's dog answering to a damn bell.
I had two customers come in today. Let Me rephrase that. I had two Non paying customers come in today. Yeah that's better. Two rather strange looking brothers walked in looking for....get this....Furniture. Excuse Me?! Do you see where I could put furniture you twat. A limited spaced downstairs area. Both guys had bug eyed looks, tall, dressed almost the same way only one was bigger than the other. Definitely rough looking.....which in My area means...either oil rig workers or ranchers. I said...uhhh the only furniture I have is right behind you....a sewing table that can be used for a reg. table/end table...and some leather back chairs.

They looked at Me like I was a strange being from another planet.....shrugged...looked around for a moment...then "see yah later". This is what I deal with people. Most pple are nice and they look around, ask questions, etc. Half the time tho, I get some that just make Me wonder.

____________________________________________________________

I watched the film "Robots" tonight.
Very funny, I must say. But I'm being biased considering I've always loved Robin Williams.
I thought the cinematography was RIVETING!!!! Laughs hard
yeah...I just haaad to go there. Any time a film critic says that I wanna grab them by the collar and shake em saying..."is this RIVETING!!" but I digress..........

The movie had great quality, some thought provoking details....and they actually picked a great cast. These are the same pple that created Ice Age. I freakin loved that film. Especially the bucktoothed acorn crazed squirrel.
____________________________________________________________

Yes, for some odd reason, I've been paying more attention to animated squirrels lately.
My favorite place to watch them is www.illwillpress.com . I'm a huge fan of Foamy the Squirrel and Pill-ze...I think that's how you spell it. Anyone who's talked to Me in the past few months knows that I'm hooked on this site. Infact, one particular person is doing a thesis on Foamy as an assignment. AHEM. grins wickedly

Put it this way, Foamy has some great rants about the world we live in. He's dead on.
Nothing is sacred in his mind. That's how I've been lately. I have no problem pointing out when pple are being assinine, stupid or petty. I'd rather eat a jar of broken glass then sit around watching stupidity grow at a rapid rate and not saying anything about it.

Oh yes....and while we're on the subject of Society......
I was having this great discussion with Demon about society being obsessively "Politically Correct". He was telling Me about this group of parents lobbying at P.B.S. to change Cookie monster's....GET THIS....EATING HABIT. They won. you heard Me correctly.
Now cookie monster....Thirty years later damn near....can no longer just shove cookies down his throat....because cookies are a "sometimes" snack. He now has to eat Veggies and Fruit, etc.
Are you F'n Kiddin ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I grew up with sesame street until age 10. I never thought to Myself...hey...cookie monster has BAD EATING HABITS.....or.....That looks like a Good Idea....I should shove cookies down My throat whenever possible because I'm a brainwashed little child with no restraint.

But now....parents are so apt to change things to their liking...that they forget the concept of creativity and that their kids aren't as gullible as THEY ARE.

What's next....are they going to change his color...oh he's too blue...that could be considered depressed!!! lol yeah okay....NEXT. Where's the pea shooter when you need it.
_________________________________________________________

And finally.....

I got a call today from My friend E. She told Me she was fine.....I said of course you are, you're on the phone. I was trying to make her smile bec. she had a very bad day at work. Apparently there was a series of brutal murders in her area. Five hispanic pple were bludgeoned to death with a baseball bat within fourty mins. I sat there speechless and angry as hell. I can't believe some psycho ran around doing this. I don't understand what goes thru someone's mind.
I told her it sounds like a hate crime and she agrees. When I spoke to her, they hadn't found who did it or why they did it. I'm still in a sort of shock over this. I guess it hits Me hard bec. My ex fiance is half hispanic...so I've been around hispanic culture, met great pple, and know what they go thru every single day. San antonio is damn near 70percent hispanic. So you can see how I became personally involved in their day to day lives.

I'm just grateful to live here. Violence is very low. Great atmosphere to raise kids. It's just a wonderful place to grow up and retire in. Sure, every state has that in some places and every state has problems....but here....I can walk alone in the daylight knowing that I'm safe.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I'm going to turn the tape over and listen to Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love's soundtrack one more time....and try to zone out. heheheehe

OR......think of ways to torment My subs.....I'm always doing that. muwahahahahaa
I'm going to also talk to tomcat.....he's been a great friend since My break up. I hope he stays in My life for a long damn time.

Peace! smiles

Almond eyes

2005-09-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

he was a vision of beauty. Standing near the book shelves in an almost disarming way. Long brown hair, almond eyes....tall and slim. What more could a woman ask for you say? How about the fact that I could sense his submission before I even spoke a word to him.

I had walked up to him casually, glancing at the book he was perusing. "Delta of Venus" by Anais Nin. I was taken aback. Not many men this day and age knew about her. His eyes flashed at Me for a second, a slight blush across his feminine face. "Hi. I couldn't help noticing just how damn beautiful you were from where I was sitting" I tease, waiting for the deeper red to appear across his face. "uh...mm...thank you. I think" he whispered. His whole body language changed in an instant, from passive to taut. The expression on his face went from pensive to shy. He kept clearing his throat as I continued My unforgiving gaze.

"Are you from around here?" I finally ask, getting the red reaction I wanted. "I...yes...I mean no, I'm visiting a friend. I'm just..hm..here out of boredom really." His back moved up against the lining of the bookcase, further from My reach. "Is there something wrong, dear" I half whispered, stepping closer to him. "Uh...well..." nervous laugh "I'm not used to a woman blurting out her thoughts about my ....looks." A subtle twitch captured his lips. "Do you wish to be left alone?" I whispered now, stepping closer. His breathing became shorter, fingers digging into the pages of the book. "Uh..no. It's cool."

My small fingers lifted towards his stomach, causing him to jerk a little. "What...are you doing?"
I pressed Myself up against his body, causing him to be pushed into the books. Without saying a word, My hand gripped thru his tight jeans. A gasp sneaked out of his throat, those pretty eyes rolling once. His whole body shuddered. Instead of asking politely, I hissed "Come with Me. Now."

Questions arose in his eyes. Should he...shouldn't he. Who was this mysterious woman and why did She choose him out of all the guys in the bookstore? he glanced around, hoping no one was watching but secretely wanting it too. Finally he uttered an okay....and followed Her out of the store. I made sure My hips swayed slightly, knowing his eyes would follow as if in a trance. Sure enough, he was in My car without a peep.

he squirmed in the seat, face flushed, breathing heavy and his long strong hands ground into his thighs. I started the engine and revved...just to see him jump. Every nerve in his body screamed from the constant attention from My eyes. he couldn't look over at Me. Too afraid of what may happen in this already intense situation.

As the car moved down the street...without hesitation...I said, "I know what kind of person you are." his face turned a dark red, eyes lowered to his knees. " I have no idea what you mean, Ma'am." Exactly, I thought. Nodding knowingly.

"you're a panty boy. I saw how you were staring at the lining of My panties when you were supposed to be reading the book. " My cat like laughter made him cringe and almost pant excitedly. "Pan...panty boy??? No way man. I'm straight!" I laughed. "Calm down boy toy, I'm not going to let your cat out of the bag....but I will tap into you soon enough." he tried to hide the bulge in his pants...but it worsened, making him very nervous.

We got to My place and pulled into the garage. As the garage door went down, I reached over and again, gripped his cock thru his pants making him moan outloud this time. he tried to move away but couldn't loosen My grasp. "Please. I don't know you. How do I know you're not a psychopath or some nutcase..or" I slammed a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up. Don't say another word. his lips felt so hot and soft against My palm....but the quivering was more intriguing. "you will get out of this car slowly...you will follow Me into My house...and you will not say a damn word. Is that clear, almond eyes?" he nodded meakly, nostrils flaring.

I slid My hands away and stepped out of the car. For a second I almost thought he froze with fear...but then he opened his door and walked out, shaking somewhat. he still couldn't look Me in the eye as he stepped closer. "Good boy. Follow." he nodded and let out a sigh.

We walked into the house and went up the stairs to My bedroom. I went on autopilot. Going to the closet and changing My clothes infront of a perfect stranger. I could feel his eyes burning thru My skin and enjoyed the hell out of it. his breathing was evident, hard and shallow. he tried not to move, but didnt realize his feet were shuffling from nerves.

I dressed in a black satin nightgown and nothing else. I pointed to the clothes splayed out on the white cotton bedspread. "Those are for you, sweets." he walked to the bed, staring down at the pink frilly lacey teddy and jewelry spread out. "No way" he mumbled. I grabbed him by the hair and shoved his face into the pink fabric. "YES." he tried to smack My hands away but couldn't with the lack of energy he was producing. After a moment, he gave up and allowed My hands to grasp tight. "you have one minute to strip and put them on or I'll be forced to do it FOR you." I released his hair and stepped back, watching him.

he immediately began pulling his black shirt over his head letting it fly to the floor. shoes, socks, and pants were yanked off, leaving him wearing white boxers. For a moment he stood there, staring at the pink fabric then back at his undies...then at Me. his eyes lowered and with complete shyness, stripped his boxers off. his fingers shook as he picked up the teddy. strapless, the lacing going just under his nipples, crotchless, see thru.

he stood there in his newfound clothing, eyes stuck to the full length mirror in the bedroom. his fingers slid all over the pink fluffy lacings. every second that passed, his body changed from manly to feminine. his cock was hard as a rock, sticking straight up with ease. he could barely breathe from how aroused he was. The whole time I stood near the bathroom door, watching him with My arms crossed under My covered large breasts.

"Bend over the end of the bed, boy" I whispered softly. A look of utter shock appeared on his face. "But....but I...." he stuttered. I stared thru him, lips pursed. tapping My bare foot on the plush carpet. "uhhh okay..." I growled. "okay What!" his knees weakened...."Okay Maam".
Defeated, he bent over the bed. his long arms spread across My white cotton sheet.

My initial thought was....what sounds will this boy make? A cheshire grin appeared on My face.
Slowly I walked up behind him. Every movement I made caused shivers to go thru his spine. he had secretly wanted to meet a strong dominating woman, but never in this way. was he dreaming? What kind of woman was he truly dealing with?

A Sudden SWAT! echoed in the room. his laced ass burned while he moaned hard in shock, jaw almost dropping to the bedding. Automatic hip grinding motion caused his cock to dig deeper into the soft bed. he felt as if he was about to explode right then and there. he had went from somewhat normal male...to a little hussy. he couldn't help himself as he ground into the bed like a wanton slut. "please" he heard himself moan "please morrrrrrre".

I laughed and said "put that ass up in the air and beg with IT." he moaned in frustration, lifting as high as he could..thrusting it in the air....rocking it...anything for another swat. Suddenly a series of hard swats struck his ass with such power that it almost made his knees buckle. fingers gripped the bedding...his mouth opened and pressed into the mattress. cum flew out of his cock in hard long spurts sending his body into writhing abandon.

After a moment, he laid there. weak, vulnerable, embarrassed and full of pleasure that he had never felt before. he never wanted to leave this room or Her. he was Hers now. Nothing else mattered.

Some men need a wake up call

2005-09-10T04:22:00.000-07:00

I love how men promise you the world then hand you an I.O.U.
Ever have this happen?
You meet this intelligent, beautiful person. You hit it off. You think everything is going just fine thank you....and then suddenly the personality changes. Procrastination, Sarcasm, and the occasional acting like a complete feminine flight risk. Why Me?! sighs
In the past eight years I've come to blows with this type of person. Not very often but enough to make Me wonder. I try My best to not fall into the trap, but once in awhile I'll get that too perfect male. All eyes and smiles, says all the right things, and does whatever I want without question........Until...............BOOM! he does a 180 degree turn.

Yes yes...I can hear you saying...But Maam, you're not talking about me are you? Some of you.
you know who you are. Always making My life rather stressful with your banter, baby like behavior, constant bickering, and the occasional "No way am i doing that" B.S. you knew what you were signing on for. you know My wild, wicked, unpredictable nature. Yet, you continue to try and change Me. Excuse Me for knowing what I want and expecting you to do it.

Yes, I have a history of being very strict, touchy feely in the balls dept.
Yes, I enjoy the hell out of making you squirm, wince, cry. Some Of you Tho...don't always get this treatment. I only save the cbt for punishment or to get your undivided attention. Since your mind is all over the place......sound familiar?

Some of you have been My slaves for years and should know by now. YET, you try to give Me guilt trips, changing your minds..not knowing wtf you are..just to annoy the crap out of Me.
YES....this is a journal entry of Venting. I really don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks. I need to get this off My chest.

Quit taking advantage of your cushy situation. I have been understanding, patient, loving, caring to the point of ....what the hell am I doing this for if I don't get it in return?! ohhhh...
and when I make this specific observation to the long time subs...they think I'm just going off on them as usual. They take it as Me giving them a guilt trip...when in reality..its a WAKE UP CALL. Hear the Alarm yet???? heh

Some of you have actually met Me and Know not to piss Me off. you've learned just how evil I can be when you mess up. Maybe I should have the younger slaves talk to the elder slaves. Maybe that would give them some insight.

Jimson could be the wave of the future..hehe

2005-08-30T04:14:00.000-07:00

Jimson weed, also called thorn apple, is a large, bushy, poisonous plant. It grows throughout North America and is common in the central part of the United States. ~~~ yeah...I was surfing cable channels when I happened upon a show called "Trauma" on T.L.C. or Discovery..w.e. anyway, I'm not making this up....A group of Carnies went out by the river to find this weed so that they could make tea out of this weed. Apparently they made it too strong and all went to the E.R. with serious hallucinations and one was going into cardiac arrest. Thankfully, the older bearded man was with it enough to tell the Dr. what had gone down. All of them received a natural syrum and were able to walk out of the hosp. the next morning.

I swear, people are so apt to get high, they will do whatever it takes. "Hey, I know...why don't we drink some weed that even animals will go out of their way to not eat. Free Tea!!" Woohoo!! ACK cough...."oh no, I didn't think to do research..and...cough..find out that its a POISONOUS plant" shakes head

........

Right now I'm listening to Sam Kinison's Live From Hell CD. Why you ask? Because My day bit so bad and I couldn't get ahold of any friends to cheer Me up. Isn't that the best?! When you need someone to be there for you and all those other times you were right there for them. you will drop whatever you're doing to listen and console....but when YOU need someone, they're nowhere to be found. The only person that's even emailed Me this early morning was tomcat. Again, even when he can't be online, he'll still think of Me. Interesting huh Oh and Demon is an exception, he's always with Me in My heart. So if I truly am down in the dumps, I can just think about him..and perhaps a smile bigger than a slight smirk grows.
........

I'm thinking about brad at this moment. . . wishing I could get My hands on him and smack him around like a rag doll. Maybe that would get his attention...although I have a feeling he'd enjoy it way too much. sighs
Maybe if I could get one of those remote control long distance shock collars, I could get him to focus quick. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE HEY THAT MADE ME SMILE.
..........

I did at least one constructive thing "technically" yesterday. I paid My taxes. yayyyyyyy.....what a load off My shoulders. It's so much fun to run a small business. All the extra stress is reassuring that you at least have something to look forward to. lol
..........

Oh....and as far as the comparison btwn Red Bull and Rock star energy drink...at least red bull doesnt make Me jittery and easily annoyed. I'm so glad I'm not addicted to either...otherwise My subs would be in constant pain...hehehe
.........

Time to torment furball...he's been askin for it...evil smile We'll see the outcome soon enough. he has no clue either...ohhh how I love being a Domina.

The Thinking Woman's Guide to Creation

2005-08-26T01:37:00.000-07:00

I have been going thru alot since last week. For all of you who are close to Me, I thank you for all the support and understanding. The Grizzly and I are no longer a couple. We will remain friends once he gets his life in order. Six years is a long time. All I know is, I will always cherish, love, and respect him.
I know he still loves Me or he would have disappeared without a trace.

I have decided to focus on My life. With that said, I am going to embark on another journey. There's a possibility of going back to college to pursue a writer/director career. I've thought about this alot over the years. It's what I've always wanted to do so why not kick it into gear. If anything, My life will not stand still anymore.

So many ideas pop into My evil mind and its about damn time to do something about it. This blog is a test of My creative process. A wise non fiction writer once told Me....."A writer writes, always"...his name is James Welch. I was grateful for the time I spent with him many years ago. A friend of Mine got the idea of putting together a writer's conference. She offered Mr. Welch the chance to lecture and he was quick to oblige. Afterwards, we followed him to a book signing. I was able to sit next to him and soak in the experience of being a writer. That was an influential moment in My life. He never talked down to Me nor did he act holier than thou. A Perfect gentleman and great writer. "Killing Custer" by James Welch was autographed and even tho I probably won't have that in My possession anymore, I will treasure the memory. Every writer should go thru that kind of experience.

Stupidity runs Rampant

2005-08-17T23:57:00.000-07:00

I just learned something quite interesting today from Demon. Apparently there's this restaurant in N.Y.C. that doesn't know how to be discreet or even Smart. A couple went in and had a satisifying meal. Everything seemed fine until they were handed their receipt. At the bottom it read : Jew Couple. The manager stated it was a demographic decision and customers are not supposed to see this.

Ok. Let Me get this straight...........
Why on god's green earth would you put your business into that kind of stupid situation...
AND....Why should they get away with it?? Anyone...Anyone?? If I had been there with Demon, who's a gorgeous black phenom....and had seen "mixed couple" or "one white one black"...
I would've taken the manager aside and found a utensil suitable for torturous means. Ohhh I'll be discreet. hehehehehehe

Then there are people who just don't understand the concept of politeness. My brad told Me of a few calls he had to make with regards to towing. One jerk automatically began to speak in a degrading fashion on how brad should do his job, etc. brad hadn't even hooked up the man's car yet. After moments of badgering and threatening stances from the guy's son and grandson, brad made a very good move.....he put the car back and offered to call someone else because he wasn't going to put up with that Chit. Only he said it in a nice way and left. Most guys would freakin lose it and pummel the jerk. Listen up and pay attention people!!! Just because you're having a bad day, don't take it out on someone who's actually helping your situation. AND! Don't bad mouth about that person to everyone in earshot. It's unbecoming and frankly Stupid. Yes, that's My theme for this entry....stuuuupiiiiiid. lol shakes head

Ok, on a lighter note....
I had a decent day for My store. A couple from boston came in and spent some money! yayyyy!
They just bought a house less than a month ago here and were searching for furniture, decor etc.
I made the comment, "Yes! New Blood! Thank you Thank you!" The woman...who was so damn hot by the way, said in her bostonian accent..."Why is it that bad here or what?" No I said, its just nice to have a mix in this cowboy infested place. They bothed laughed at that and nodded their heads in a very knowing fashion. Yes Boys, I couldn't keep My eyes off of her. About Five two, long straight black hair, slim/hard stomach, perfect feet. She wore backless black heels. I was thinking to Myself, "you lucky s.o.b." I have a feeling they'll be regular customers. I'm so glad I live in america.lol

hmmmm.....what else.....OH!
Sin City DVD
Watching it late tonight or early tomorrow morning. I have been waiting to see this film for so long and now that it's in My player, you'd think I'd be soaking it in. But then life calls and you can't sit on your arse. Sighs Ohhhh can't wait to see Jessica Alba and Benicio Del Toro. MM MM MMMM........yeah yeah bruce willis and mickey rourke....rolls eyes. Yes I like them too. Don't get Me wrong.

hmmm what other tid bits shall I share with you hungry boys.....
I had some wicked quick fun with a sub the other night. Fur Ball. Yes, that's his nickname...hehe
he had no earthly clue what I was about to do..it was priceless to say the least. WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU MAAM! only on a leather covered saw horse and nylon tied wrists ...arms pulled way up over his head...bent just so. Specific Gag inserted. Small palms smacking away on sensitive flesh, echoes of screaming and whimpering. UHH. All within Ten Minutes. I had the best orgasm. he, on the other hand, just had a sore arse. HA HA HAAAAAAA. Use your imagination.

Well that's it for now. brad is possibly passed out from lack of sleep all day so I can't play with him. Demon is sleeping in the deep darkness. tomcat where are you kitty...are you hiding under the desk again? The Grizzly is doing ok with the exception of constant low bone pain. I guess I'll have to track down a surrrrrrrprised slave and have My way tonight. muwahahhahaha

Later tators. winks flashes fangs

Cramped Hallways make for great entertainment

2005-08-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

I love slamming male flesh against walls and having My way. Just imagine...
the pressure of another body poised, ready to attack at any second while fingernails adjust to the angles. Lips smear. Skin trembles. Muscle hardens. Breathing becomes short and ragged. Emotions twist and mangle, making for great expressions. Safety hangs haphazardly inside your torture filled mind. Waiting for that second of permission. you know exactly what I mean.

Awkward silence eh.....grins

I've been allowing My mind to wander alot lately. It's been an interesting journey these past few days. Best Laid Plans. Who's Next to feel My sensual wrath? Who will enjoy the soft side of Me? One never knows.

Stop twiddling your thumbs and crawl to Me you insolent little boy toys.
I have a treat instore. you know what you must do in order to please Me.

Stabbing pulsations
slight rise in temperature
immaculate erecting
ultimate sacrifice

Loosely based on a dream
your body creates the need
slow in pace
but willing to be worthy

I hope you choke on it
I whisper in the dark
laughing in that low familiar cat like way
you're a parasitic joke
you're an apparition of humility
you're an orifice ready to be filled
you're the reason I'm smiling
and you'll never know exactly why.

Suck the glass
taste what I left behind
too bad that's all you get this time.

Cutting remarks
phantom handprints on lower parts
staggering high heels
smeared lipstick
ripping sensations of nylon
you're a walking affliction

Lost in oblivion
you know you need this
like an addict looking for a fix
come closer if you dare
I'll make you aware

It's all about Me
did you have a memory lapse
now get down on your knees
beg for a glance
maybe a touch
or are you too worthless for that

Is this what you wanted
Cause this is what you're gettin.

Mind Freak anyone?

2005-07-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

I doubt I have to explain to anyone why I haven't written on here for a Whiiiiiile. Things are finally simmering down somewhat. The Bull is out of the hospital and just dealing with bone healing pain. He's a tough bastard so I don't have to worry about him As much. I can now focus on other tasks. I have been writing some poetry and absorbing other authors' works. Case in point, Nicole Blackman's Blood Sugar. Her images are burned in My third eye. Disturbing, sarcastic, introspective, brilliant. Her poems are like living beings on paper just waiting to be touched.
I also have a new reason for watching A&E. The one channel I used to always pass by. First of all, Mind Freak with Criss Angel. OMG. He's just amazing. From the usual parlor tricks to astounding feats of fearlessness. Levitation. I mean, come on...no wires...no tricks..just tapping into every muscle in his body and the energy. Just like Icarus. Blows My mind every time I watch and rewatch the reruns. His show has only been out two weeks and already I'm craving for the next episode. This is rare folks. Usually I can survive for weeks without even wondering wtf is on T.V. lol
Second is Family Plots. I swear man, I grew up with that family only without italian blood running thru My veins. hehe I connect the most with Shonna, the preparer/embalmer. I've never done her job technically, but I have dealt with the pain/loss/awareness factor when I was a nurse's aid for eight years. The only difference is that I watched those people leave this earth whereas she sees the end result and prays for them while working. I know I know, She's ranting about t.v. shows. Hey, when you own a small business downstairs in your house and there are long periods of time between customers, you tend to ...1. clean 2. read 3. write or 4. watch t.v. bec. then you can hear when someone's coming thru the door. hehehehe oh lord
Let's see what else...
Talked with brad off and on. Seems he's always working his hot ass off one way or another. I keep threatening to take him away and he tries to use the list of excuses why that won't happen "right now at this point in time". Puhlease. you're not the first boy to say this and you won't be the last. Oh Snap! Did I just go there.....yes...yes I did. lol
Michelle was gracious enough to send Me something to cheer Me up...so I thought hey...why not do the same. So, Michelle, be prepared for the gift I sent you FINALLY yesterday. FFS I can't believe I acted like another certain sub whom I won't even give a nickname bec. he's on My poo list right now. I'm sure michelle will be revelling and using the gift as much as possible. winks
Tomcat keeps Me company when I'm actually online and bored out of My mind. He's such a good lil kitty...yes you are! hehe Pats the fur...yesyes...why can't other boys be like you. Oh that's right, because they are too self involved and forget that its the job of the SUBMISSIVE to keep in contact and have TIME for their MAAM. yeah that's it.
Demon has given Me some interesting dreams to say the least. Thanks alot, Demon. I mean, wow....just read one of his plethora of stories last night and couldn't fall asleep. The images are stuck btwn My teeth, sotospeak. Freakin Brilliant Twisted Mind. The kind of writer I wish I could come close to. He's always inspiring Me to write. Kind of like a.."holy moses where does he pull that out of and how do I tap into that" kind of thing. I tip My hat to you, demon.
E. what can I say, she's always there for Me. I wish I could go down there and just for fun...surprise her Dork. yeah..I'll be somewhat nice with My cursing today. lol Other than that, she's trying to stay afloat and survive the constant hurricane in her house.
Listening to Marilyn Manson compilation, Seether's Disclaimer II, and Tool. Watch out boys, your Maam is a complicated cat...going down the path...and then add HER SOUNDTRACK..and you have majordomo problems. lolol I know, Aren't I scary enough without that? Hell no, I aim high and I continue to soar. muwahahahahaha
In conclusion...your Honor...I must say you are the coolest of the cats and I can wait to meet you...just give Me another sixty years or so. I'm shy. LOL Love to all....and whip snaps to the bad bums.

Double vision

2005-06-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

What makes you feel truly alive? That was a question posed to Me by Demon. I thought about it long and hard. It's thought provoking. After what seemed like hours, I finally had the epiphany. Moments of clarity, Writing, breaking through with a sub, and knowing I made some tiny difference in what ever I accomplish.
you may be wondering what the title of My entry means. Well, I'll let you think about it. hehe
Moving on.....
Right now I'm trying to catch up on My reading. With that in mind, I have to finish Hunter S. Thompson's The Rum Diary. I've enjoyed his twisted outlook on society, how he develops characters, and the way he sneaks in pieces of himself. Just like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas made Me ponder just how crazy one can be. With or Without drugs. hehe
Then there's the previous book I read. Some of you already know from the recounting of certain images born in Carlton Mellick III's head and written down without a care in the world. Razor Wire P. Hair. Yes, I have to be careful of certain words to use on here, so Bare with Me. A rather wicked, oozing orgasma from beginning to end with Sharp tools that make you quiver. Oh yes, bring it on! lol
I just heard My subs whine in helpless abandon at that very second of recognition. Ohhhh I love that sound.

Never a Dull Moment

2005-05-31T02:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know. It's been six days since I last wrote. Bite Me. laughs wickedly
I've had a most interesting long drawn out weekend that consisted of running My store, dealing with the feeling of being stifled(Rain Storms are Fun. HA!),
and watching Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. How exciting of a weekend did I have, I tell ya. shakes head
Ok, the movie was actually pretty good. Course I'm biased. I love all of Wes Anderson's movies. If for some reason you don't have a clue as to whom I'm speaking of....go rent Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, or The Royal Tanembaums.
The man has a gift for the obscure and smart humor. He creates a world that's askewed. Hmmmm who also does that...gee. Laughs No, I will not tell you the plot or the twists and turns..or any of Life Aquatic. Go Rent it. I Command you all! hehehe
Hmmmm lets see ..what else to mention....Oh yeah! Tomcat is back in My life after a long recess. He has truly apologized and is now just My buddy. I'm fine with that, seeings how he keeps Me entertained while you DORKS are sleeping. Hehehehehe oh and he's a really artistic young thang. You know how much I love arts of all kinds.
Diesel, a long time sub that's been on the outs with Me, is trying to make up for his stupidity. We'll see. I hope so. He's got alot of heart, just that he lets it get in the way of everything else when he's not working his arse off.
Brad, well, he's been busy taking care of his own stuff. I've pretty much allowed him a small break. I still speak to him, I just don't expect him to drop trou. bounces eyebrows
The Gentleman is on a cruise. Figures. Without Me. Hmmff. Maybe when he gets back he'll bring some green souveniers..HEHEHEHE
Almond eyes.....ohhhhh he keeps Me aroused, being the rest of you always seem to miss Me. I swear...you boys make Me wonder sometimes. I can't wait to hear the little comments you all will be making..like...why didnt you mention Me???
Well maybe if you'd get crackin on being a GOOD BOY~~ ahem..but I digress.
Finally, Grizzly is recovering slowly with alot of pain but hopefully the new meds will balance him out. I'll be visiting him next month for a few days.
There...I think I covered everything .....for now. Kisses to the good boys...SMACKS to the Bad boys. EVIL smile

Look A Flying Subbie!

2005-05-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

I wonder what it would be like to see a flying submissive shot out of a cannon as a severe punishment. Oh wait, instead, lets use the concept of walking a tight rope way up in the air. YEAH! evil laugh Too bad that's too far fetched. A few subs of Mine deserve this kind of treatment for their lack of empathy. I think its about time to do a few Smack Downs. If one of you are reading this, you know darn well why I'm saying this. stares I hope you'll be wearing knee pads because you'll be on that floor for a long long time begging for forgiveness.

Let's see...I had a really slowwww day. I talked with brad. I swear that boy has radar. he knows when I'm depressed and he always seems to cheer Me up with his crazy antics. Michie is the saving grace tho. she's helping Me fly down to see My fiance who had a major surgery last week. I know that if brad or a few others could afford it, they would've helped. Emotional support is important to Me too. But! Michie...thank you doll. Blows a kiss.

Demon...he's My kick in the ass. If not for him, I'd still be whinin about how I should write a novella for another two years. His motivation of "if I can do it, you can do it" has really made Me think hard. The man has been published numerous times in everything from online mags to books. Yes, he's more articulate when it comes to flowing complex words with substance, but he's also shown Me that I have My own writing style. Everyone's different. So thank you bunches Demon childe'...hehe

For anyone who doesn't know these past few days, I've been listening to Metallica's St. Anger C.D. ALOT. All you boys and girls who don't have this C.D., get your ass to the music store and get the UNedited version. It really clicks with the way I think. Not many C.D.s have done that to Me. My patient subs have dealt with Me singing outloud and writing lyrics while waiting on their slow asses. Laughs wickedly Awwww poor babies.

I hope all of you remember your training. Don't Do Anything Without Permission. Mind your Manners. Show Respect or you'll learn quickly why I'm such a B___.(as a certain gentleman calls Me in frustration) HEHEHEHEHE

To Whom It May Concern..hehe

2005-05-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

I am having one helluva interesting day. Let's see, My hours consisted of talking to My best friend E. She's going thru some tough times with her male. I swear, if he says one thing wrong around Me, he'll be missing a few important parts. heh
Then I had a rather intriguing conversation with a beautiful subbie we'll call Brad. He's always so ..hmmm...unpredictable. he's been flirting his svelt curves at people he shouldn't be just to get a cheap thrill. How will I punish him? Any suggestions? hehehe I told him if he's not careful, some day soon one of these people will overpower and he'll be the one in major pain. Not from Me. Finally I got to talk to My other best friend Demon. He's the one that got Me motivated to do this blog. "you can do far more evil on here" he claims. We'll see won't we. Evil smile I hope all is well with everyone. For now. cheshire cat grin